Mean things people say when you're hungover.

Hey asshole, if I wanted to get judged, I'd go on America's Got FUCKIN' Talent.

Hey asshole, if I wanted to get judged, I'd go on America's Got FUCKIN' Talent.

"Looks like YOU had fun last night." Oh, does it, motherfucker? Sorry I'm not a hard 10 after a night of Miller Lites and Fireball, dickhead. Pretty sure I didn't enter my Friday night thinking, "God, I better be on my best behavior for tomorrow when I see Caroline." Sorry we all weren't sitting around pounding Kombuchas and Googling "gluten free casserole recipes," CAROLINE. Sorry we can't all Beyonce walk into work everyday like you do. Some of us have lives.

I’m Facebook friends with my mom, bro. She wants to see engagement photos of me, not photos of me trying to late-night titty-grab some broad I just met in the corner booth of a dive bar.

"Do you remember when you ________?" When someone starts saying this to me, my first reaction is sheer terror, which is then followed by a blatant lie about how I obviously remember exactly what they're talking about, which is then followed by a disgusted "how dare you even fucking ask me that condescending question" look. But full disclosure, 75% of the time I have zero clue what they're talking about and I walk-sprint out of the room with my tail between my legs while wiping the cold sweat from my forehead and looking like the wide-eyed emoji.

"Well look who it is." By saying this, you want me to walk in the room feeling bad about myself. You want to knock me a couple pegs down from where you and your high horse currently are. Well I got news for you, Kemosabe - I earned this hangover so I'm going to own it. Rather than cower at the hands of your douchebag comment, I'm going to raise the proverbial roof at how fuckin' awesome I was last night. Ain't no sweat off my back, homeboy. Just a day in the life.

"I have the best pictures of you (insert activity)." Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkkkkkk. Worst case scenario is someone having physical evidence that ya boy got FUCKED UP last night. Talk is cheap, but drunk photos of people are worth a hell of a lot more than a thousand fucking words. You're not only about to ruin my day, but you're out to ruin my Facebook/Instagram presence, my general reputation, and most definitely any future political campaign I'm trying to run. And what's more important than all of that is that I 100% look puffy and hammered in those photos which is just bad for my self-confidence. I can't be peacocking around town knowing that there are a myriad of fat-faced photos of me savaging mass beers getting texted between you and all your friends.

...or even worse, "Caroline tagged you in 22 photos." Goddammit, Caroline! We've been over this! I don't walk into your house and spoil your smoothies and episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, so don't get up in my grill-piece about how much I drank last night via Facebook! I'm Facebook friends with my mom, bro. She wants to see engagement photos of me, not photos of me trying to late-night titty-grab some broad I just met in the corner booth of a dive bar with your caption of, "This is right after he said, 'Suck me, Beautiful.'" You're so annoying, Caroline. Go intensify someone else's Scaries and let me and my Miller Lites chillax in peace.