Man Résumé

By Sunday Scaries

When I was 18 years old, I asked a friend, "What's the manliest thing you've ever done?" Without thinking twice about it, he quickly responded, "When I learned how to masturbate, I stayed home from school and did it like 20 times."

While I'm not sure how this is categorized as being specifically manly, it did get my wheels turning in regards to the manliest things that I've ever done.

But, before we really get into this, lets be clear about one thing: I'm not trying to say I'm the picture of manliness. For every manly feat I've accomplished, I have extremely suspicious shortcomings. I watch The Mindy Project. I read Man Repeller. I can't drink hot liquids. "Call Me Maybe" changed my life.

Anyway, I really got to thinking — I've have actually done a lot of manly shit. I mean, enough to fill a résumé, that's for sure. And that's what I did.




Life Experiences

January 2008 — Got a "Shower Dance" from two strippers at my 21st birthday party.

Summer 2008 — Partied with the Stanley Cup. Twice.

Small talked with Kris Draper while waiting for urinal.

Caught Miller Lites being thrown by Brett Lebda.

Acted as Jimmy Howard's fan-autograph liaison while he stood on a bar. People thought we were boys for like 10 minutes.

Fall 2008 — Broke two windows at Michigan v. Michigan State weekend.

Window 1: I gargoyled a keg and mule kicked a window behind me.

Window 2: I threw said keg through adjacent window.

Fall 2011 — Got run over by a Jeep Liberty and didn't break any bones. Doctor x-rayed my leg twice because he couldn't believe it. Endured 4 months of physical therapy, now physically 100%.



1997 Junior Golf Tournament — 2nd place. Totally out-drove the other kid on every hole though and that's what matters.

1999 7th Grade Basketball Team — Made the A-Team as a power forward; quit after tryouts to join the ski team.

2001-2005 High School — Varsity Athlete: Soccer, Golf, Tennis, and one ski race. Voted "Class Flirt."

2009 Playoff Beard Champion — Won "Best Playoff Beard" as voted by the people of Northern Michigan for the Detroit Red Wings playoff run. No matter how you cut it, winning a beard contest in Northern Michigan oozes manliness.

2011 Fantasy Baseball League Champion — I mean, yeah, fantasy sports are fucking dorky. But it's still personal achievement in the sporting field.



Winter, 2006 — The gentleman of Beta Theta Pi at Miami University pushed my friend over small fence after we sarcastically told one them that he had a "nice Burberry scarf." A fight ensued, which culminated in Beta's Christmas tree being thrown in front of a semi-truck.

Summer, 2010 — Told a kid that "Cincinnati sucks dick," and when he responded, "What?", I clarified by saying, "Did I stutter? Cincinnati. Sucks. Dick." Minor scuffling followed.


General Manliness

Was asked if I am "related to Henrik Zetterberg" while getting an oil change.

I got 2nd Place in a push-up contest at my friend's cabin in Fall 2013.

Clean Plate Club — Member.

Can un-shell a lobster faster than anyone ever.

Have never seen a Harry Potter movie (was once in the room when one was playing, did not participate in viewing).

Was given a disposable camera by my parents in Cancun, 1994. Upon developing the film, parents discovered only photographs of topless women and trash cans.

Night skied in a -16 degree blizzard in Winter 2014.

Above average at every sport. Literally every sport.

Can drink a fifth of Jim Beam and still stand still. Just kidding, that's a Kid Rock lyric.

Know all Kid Rock lyrics.

Beer savaging enthusiast, where you shotgun a beer by shaking can and biting into it rather than opening it with a key.

Really good at eating sandwiches. We're talking, like, Joey Tribbiani-good.

Equally good at eating steaks, prime ribs, and other red meat cuts.

Only fluent in English.


So, there it is. What's on your résumé?

Let's hear it.

This is not limited to male response, and please refrain from telling me about the time you stayed home from school to masturbate.