Lion Whisperers

lion whisperer

By Old Man Body

Because I’m an adult, I tend to do a few adult things every now and again. One of these activities is watching 60 Minutes. A little while back, they ran a piece about Kevin Richardson, the “Lion Whisperer”, who basically spends his life hanging out in a park full of lions in South Africa. There’s a bunch of videos on Youtube about his work, I’d recommend checking it out for a few minutes. The guy goes in a pen with 37 lions daily to feed and play with them. Basically the most bad ass job you can have outside of being a Navy SEAL or working in the corporate world/blogging on the side.

Whether you realize it or not, lions aren’t the only animals on this planet that need a Whisperer from time to time.

What’s a Lion Whisperer?

I know that there are a few ladies that read this blog and not just pervy post grad hot bros, so I’m going to try to be gender neutral where I can. A lion Whisperer is the following: a close, platonic friend of the opposite sex who can give you unbiased advice, most importantly regarding your interactions with the opposite sex.

I cannot stress the platonic part enough; if you’re fucking, or trying to fuck, the person who’s giving you advice, you’re going to get biased feedback or tailor your behavior to them accordingly. There’s billions of people in the world and if you can’t find one non-family member to not knock the boots with, you have bigger problems than needing quality advice. I’m lucky enough I have two of them - one a friend and another a cousin I’m close with. They're generally consistent about when I’ve been an asshole or if I’m doing things right. Now that we have this defined, let’s get into why you need your own Lion Whisperer.

Your Bros Give Terrible Advice

I can’t comment on what a girl’s group chats look like in regards to guy advice, but my friends’ advice is generally hot garbage. “You’re talking to two chicks man? FUCK BOTH OF THEM BRO!!!” That kind of advice isn’t going to position you well with that little filly you’ve had your eye on for a month. I love my friends to death, but they’re not telling me anything besides how I can score and when I’m not, they’re ripping on me for not having pulled it off yet. Nothing wrong with that, but you need a little more than that.

Your Text Game Will Improve Ten Fold

Your Lion Whisperer, on the other hand, is going to give you credible advice on how to handle whatever situation you’ve worked yourself into. I was coming off the #BenderThroughDecember on Sunday and was too annihilated to formulate responses to a girl who was probably as sober as a rock. What’d I do? Screenshotted the shit out of what she said, sent it to my Whisperer and pretty much repeated what she said verbatim. That comment that you think is sly (especially when you’re drinking) probably makes you sound like a moron at best, and a convicted sex offender at worst.

You’ll Handle Situations Better

Nobody has women figured out; don’t even fucking try to argue me on that point. IT’S SCIENCE.  For example, some girl (or guy) might be giving you the run around and totally fucking with you and you’re too love drunk to notice. Guess what? If your Lion Whisperer is worth their salt, they’ll see it and open your eyes. My favorite advice I’ve gotten when a girl was being flaky: “do less, bro.” Two days of ignoring her sucked her right back into my web. Not sure what to do for a second date? Need help on picking out presents? Thinking about proposing (answer is always no, btw)? ASK YOUR LION WHISPERER BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING CATATROSPHIC.

Remember, It’s a Two Way Street

Look, I know it’s tempting to be a lazy asshole and never give advice yourself, but it’s part of the game. When your Whisperer is having guy or girl issues of their own, listen and give good feedback. Chances are that whatever you’re doing to some poor girl is the same thing another guy is doing to your Whisperer, whether it’s good or bad.  Get your very own Lion Whisperer, help each other out and you’ll have a leg up on the competition.