Instant Analysis: Seeking Fall Boyfriends

You + Me = Us

You + Me = Us

Read: Needed: Fall Boyfriends (Craigslist)

Let me begin with saying this: even if she denies it, this is 100%, unequivocally Amelia. She was clearly trying to fly under the radar and I caught her red-handed. I almost feel like she's trolling me to see if our love is still real. Kind of like how Phil and Claire Dunphy always pose as different people for their anniversary.

But, for entertainment and courting purposes, I'm going to humor this Craigslist post as if I have no idea who actually wrote it.

As always, original article is in italics.


Needed: Fall Boyfriends - 27 (Manhattan)

age : 27

If only I were a Capricorn born in 1987. Oh, hold on, what's that? I am? Crazy how we're vibing this hard, this early.

2 smart, funny, attractive girls each looking for a fall boyfriend with chill group of bro friends, now is the time you must start dating someone in order to spend the holidays together/go on ski trips/have a NYE kiss you're stoked on.

While I've already discussed "No One's Looking" Season, sounds like you two are all in for some front-and-center "what's our monogram going to look like?"-relationship-type shit. If you're into sharing your New Year's kiss with a hot former ski instructor wearing a monogrammed turtleneck, we're headed in the right direction.

Labor Day has happened, we are saying goodbye and filtering out our casual summer, meet up at 2 a.m. hook ups and are looking for boys we might be able to stand being sober around.

Pretttttttty pretty sure I just got this treatment from my summer fling which isn't the best sign for you. But, I did just start watching The Mindy Project so I could learn a bit more about the female psyche. Considering Mindy Kaling is third behind Beyonce and Jennifer Lawrence on every girl's "Chicks I'd Go Gay For" scale, I'd say you'd proooobably be into binge-watching this with me on a rainy October Saturday before we head to a bar to watch a World Series game with my bros.

Needed: 2 males interested in something steady/serious-ish as the weather fades from hot, humid, and care-free to crisp, chill Patagonia vest season. Interested parties should have a window in their bedroom and want to cuddle with the window slightly open to let the fresh autumn air in while a fall scented candle (that I'll buy for you, babe) fills the room with cozy comfort.

Unfortunately, I don't have a Patagonia vest - I have TWO (black and hunter orange, anyone??).

Requirements
Chill group of guy friends (preference will be given to bros who come from the same group of friends, just because that makes it easier and more fun for double date brunching)

We've got you covered - our group of friends consists of numerous 6-foot-plus bros with great hair and better golf swings. Shit, sorry, did that sound douchebaggy? Well, good. We call one of our friends Douchebag Pete and he LOVES it. Kid is a scratch-golfer with 2006-McConaughey hair who played boarding school hockey and loves chocolate labs. Better hand your friend a box of Kleenex because she's probably crying tears of joy right now.

27 and older
6 feet or taller (if you're 5'11" but have a personality to make up for the height difference, willing to consider it. Any shorter? Don't apply.)

My driver's license says 5'11" but I was 6'0" when I got my last physical. Yeah, you could definitely make the case that I haven't physically peaked yet and the best is yet to come. It's whatever.

Wardrobe should include: Driving mocs, Barbour coat, Half-Zips (at least 3, please send pics if possible), Ray-Bans (Wayfarers or Clubmasters preferred, but open to other styles), loafers, Patagonia vest(s), Vineyard Vines, basketball shorts for me to sleep in.

Sounds like you're the type of girls that like Brooks Brothers 100% Pima cotton longsleeve t-shirts in earth tones. Luckily for you, I'm the type of guy who owns numerous Brooks Brothers 100% Pima cotton longsleeve t-shirts in earth tones. I'd wink at you right now but you wouldn't be able to see it through my Persol PO3058S Supremas.

But hold up, basketball shorts? Sorry, toots. You might as well ask me if I have a spare pair of JNCOs. If you're looking for quantity Patagonia Baggies shorts, text me and I'll read it immediately before intentionally taking 40 minutes to respond.

College education. Ivy league preferred. Def in a frat or played a sport (lacrosse, crew, tennis, etc.)
Probs spent at least 4 weekends in Montauk over the summer.

Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. Harvard of the Midwest. Ever heard of it? Hope you like Alpha chapters and great stories.

Activities can include but are not limited to
Apple Picking

Granny Smith or Honeycrisp?

Sunday Fundays

Bromosas or bloodies?

Borrowing your pullover and returning it after an indecent amount of time, if at all.

Shep Shirt or Down Sweater?

Taking selfies in Patagonia vests/taking selfies while doing all activities #fall #boyfriendweather

Your phone or mine? #girlfriendweather

Watching football (aka me getting drunk while you watch football, and you thinking it's so adorable when I wear jeans and Converse to the bar and get blackout in your team's hat.) *sneakers show how chill and laid back I am < this is why it's kinda essential for the two boys to be friends so me and my friend can blackout together and I won't get bored.

I got bros for days. You can wear my Detroit Tigers hat that will scream, "See, I get it - I'm an actual Detroit fan and I'm not clearly just dressing up for this specific Lions game even though I totally am." But, I swear to God, if you casually try to steal my perfectly worn-in Magglio Ordóñez shirt, we're over. Done. See you never. I don't care how well it goes with your Hunter boots and forest green cableknit sweater, a guy's favorite t-shirt is more important than your possessive-girlfriend fashion statements.

Cooking - Instagramming dish with captions such as "Fall night with my babe @yourhandle *heart emoji all the fall emojis*"

I mean, yeah, if you're cooking for me, you can 'gram whatever the fuck you want. *leaves emoji, Thanksgiving turkey emoji*

Brunching outdoors until weather permits

I call it "blunch" but only because it's more fun to say. Go ahead, try it. Blunch. It can be our cute little "thing" that I'm clearly hesitant to say when you and I are around my friends because they'll make fun of me behind your back.

Strange how the night moves, with autumn closing in
(If you don't know that song, don't apply)

Did you just install a steering wheel on my dick? Because you're drivin' me nuts, girl. Of course I know this song. In the immortal words of Kid Rock, "I'm a Michigan boy, can you feel that?" And you? You're rollin' me away with your night moves, and if you'll accompany me against the wind on Main Street, I think we can both agree that neither of us will ever be still the same.

"Don’t you just love New York in the fall?" - You've Got Mail