"Goddddddammit. I accidentally liked their fuckin' photo." - Everybody
Do I creep on social media? Most of the reason I have social media is so I can stalk people without them noticing. I live on the Instagram activity feed. I love judging people for what they're listening to on Spotify. When Facebook Graph Search came out, the first thing I did was search "Girls that are single between the ages of 23 and 30 that live in ________" and entered every city within a 25 mile radius. I even like seeing who people's best friends are on Snapchat because I'm almost positive most people on Snapchat have no idea that their "best friends" are public. So, uh, yeah. I guess you could say ya boy fuckin' creeps. If ya ain't creepin', ya ain't tryin'.
But creepin' ain't all high-fives and blowjobs. Sometimes shit goes awry. Sometimes you go off path and do regretful shit when you're in a creep wormhole of that friend-of-a-friend who has an open Instagram feed that you found through their Twitter. Naw mean? Alright, if you don't, here are some "Creep 101 Damage Control Needed Situations" which are also my 3 biggest fears in life outside of sweating through my shirt on dancefloors and never getting a hole-in-one.
Accidentally liking someone's Instagram photo while creepin' their feed. It's so fucking easy to do. You're scrollin', you're chillin', you're getting your creep on. And then you either accidentally double-tap that shit or you bump into the heart button. Then that person straight knows you were scoping their photos from 37 weeks ago at 11pm on a Sunday. I once accidentally liked a girl's bikini shot from almost a year ago. And what did I do? I owned that shit and let my like stand like true ballers do. Now this Norwegian goddess and I follow each other and are probably destined to get married. NBD but obviously this is monumental and you're all invited to the wedding.
Accidentally typing someone's name as your Facebook status instead of into the search bar. This one is more on Facebook than it is on you. They put the search bar and "What's on your mind?" bar so fucking close to each other that they're practically begggggging for you to type the wrong shit in the wrong place. I once saw a guy drunkenly post his girlfriend's boss's name as his status because he was trying to search her to show everyone how hot she was. Like, I don't know how you even rebound from that. Anything you tell your girlfriend is an obvious lie. And if she actually buys that lie? Then you need a new girlfriend because the one you have right now is clueless.
Forgetting to turn "Private Session" on when listening to songs on Spotify. I don't care if my friends know what I listen to. They know I listen to some shit that's off the beaten path. But one night when I was hammered at a party, I plugged my phone in and turned Spotify to a playlist consisting only of "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen, "Dreams" by The Cranberries, and "Anything Could Happen" by Ellie Goulding. The playlist was called "Best Playlist Ever." The party obviously blew up and everyone was chanting my name and telling me how dope I am as a DJ. But what scares me is that at the top of your Spotify profile, it says, "Recently Played Artists" and lists a random sample that you have no control over. I don't want my future wife to say, "Hmm, I wonder what kind of music he listens to" only to find that I recently crushed Carly, Ellie, and The Cranberries for hours on end. That doesn't exactly put out a "the type of marriage I want is legal in all 50 states" vibe.
I know someone who has little hairs on his shoulders. You know, like back hair but on his shoulder. A couple years ago, he owned it and said to me, "dude, whatever, shoulder hair is baller." All of the sudden, my opinion of shoulder hair completely changed because repped it and showed complete confidence in his fuckin' shoulder hair. A week ago I actually found myself telling someone, "Dude, your shoulder hair is baller" with complete seriousness. Where am I going with this? What's the moral of this story? When something embarrasses you (ie. shoulder hair / liking someone's photo / people seeing you listen to suspicious music), you have to own it. You accidentally like someone's photo? Put out the vibe and follow that person. Type someone's name as your status? Own up and admit that yeah, you were trying to rep their hotness to others. Someone sees that your most played artist on Spotify is Coldplay? Actually, no. You're on your own for that one. Hopefully you have some good shoulder hair to raise your stock.