I'm super into Pussy Riot's Nadya Tolokno and she would hate my stinkin' guts.

Those eyes.

Those eyes.

Pussy Riot's Nadya Tolokonnikova and Masha Alekhina were arrested again in Russia for "disturbing the peace" outside of a Moscow court (I'm assuming they did some sort of protest and weren't listening to Ludacris' Disturbing Tha Peace album, but not entirely positive at this point). For those of you who don't even know who these broads are: first of all, you've been living under a goddamn rock. Secondly, here's the long and short of it before their most recent arrest:

"They were arrested on the eve of a presidential election as part of an investigation into Pussy Riot, an all-female band of Russian activists ... During the election campaign, the group staged a number of provocative performances in public spaces, culminating in a 'punk prayer service' on the altar of the Cathedral of Christ the Savior in Moscow." via New York Times.

Now, call me crazy, but I'm super into this Nadya girl. Her looks are firing on all cylinders and she's rocking a Rihanna-esque bad girl attitude to boot. If the world was having one big Bad Bitch Contest, Nadya would be in perma-first place with not a challenger in site. But what really gets me is that I know that she would absolutely hate my guts due to the fundamental differences we have in life. And even worse? Ya boy wants what he can't have.

Why wouldn't Nadya and I get along, you ask? Let's take a look.

She started a band named "Pussy Riot." My greatest musical accomplishment was getting a perfect score on Dance Dance Revolution's "Drop The Bomb" for Playstation 2 when I was 14.

She was jailed for over 16 months between August 2012 and December 2013. I pretend to go to the bathroom at restaurants because I get restless sitting at the same table for too long.

I have four microbrews on a Saturday night and you pretty much have to rebuild my kidney’s from scratch come Sunday.

She used to ambush policewomen and kiss them on video as a political statement. The biggest political statement I've made was not voting for myself during my sophomore year in high school's student council campaign.

She has performed numerous hunger strikes. I once tried the Master Cleanse and within four hours, I was sitting on my couch in front of my TV with a bowl of cookie dough in my lap.

In jail, her punishment included, "collective punishment with other prisoners" but was also beaten individually with a particular focus on her kidney's. I have four microbrews on a Saturday night and you pretty much have to rebuild my kidney's from scratch come Sunday.

She was arrested for her "punk prayer service" and charged with "hooliganism motivated by religious hatred." I was too scared to tell my dad that I didn't want to go to church with him on Christmas last year.

She had a daughter when she was 19. I got arrested at 19 for drunkenly telling a college police officer that I was English soccer star Wayne Rooney, and have the police report to prove it.

Video surfaced of her getting attacked with a horsewhip by Russian authorities during the Sochi Olympics. When Fox News showed it, I got uncomfortable and changed my TV back to Frasier.

So, uh, yeah. All in all I'm pretty sure Nadya and I are the exception to the rule of "opposites attract" in this situation. But does that mean I wouldn't swipe right on her? Hell naw.


Will deFriesBabesComment