How would Coach Taylor have handled the Richie Incognito situation?

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It's been well-documented that Richie Incognito was partaking in some activities that aren't exactly, well, responsible. Now, the jury is out on whether or not he actually bullied Jonathan Martin. If Sunday Scaries had to make the call, Martin is a headcase who can't handle a little friendly jabbing. I mean, if you read the texts he exchanged with Incognito, these two were legit bros despite the fact that Incognito obviously said some shit that he shouldn't have said. But did Richie Incognito maaaaybe not live up to Coach Taylor's moral expectations? Let's take a look at what he's been accused of:

  • Sending Martin threatening and racially charged text messages.
  • Forcing Martin to contribute $15K for a trip to Vegas.
  • Physical threats towards Martin and his family.

In addition, the text messages also show a ton of strip clubs, prostitutes, and party drugs. But uh, this isn't surprising to anyone who has watched the first scene of Any Given Sunday where LL Cool J is doing coke off a stripper's boob, so we are just going to put this aside and act like it's the league norm.

So we're obviously all wondering, how would Coach Taylor have handled the Richie Incognito situation? Well, a man is only as good as his track record so let's take a look back at Coach Taylor's history of handling adversity.

The time Matt Saracen took Julie on a date.

Let's be clear here - Coach told Matt to find a girl. It's just that he misread the situation and didn't realize that Saracen was finna bang his daughter. The biggest mistakes made when Matt showed up to take Julie out were that 1. Matt wore a Member's Only Jacket and 2. Matt declined a frosty brew because he was "driving". Coach Taylor power-moved Matt by intimidating him along the way, and we all got a great laugh out of the whole situation once Riggins said, "How about Saracen sleeping with Coach's daughter?" at the team banquet.

Coach Taylor Threat Level: 4

The time VooDoo went OP and started calling his own plays.

When Mailboxgate went down and VooDoo Tatum joined the Panthers via Buddy's recommendation, the whole situation had a Mike Vick-esque feel to it from the jump. VooDoo was walking around the school with Sam Cassell-sized nuts just trying to be on the fast track to LSU so he could win a National Championship. You can't hate on a guy for wanting to be the best, but you CAN hate on a guy for disobeying direct orders from Coach Taylor. And that's exactly what VooDoo did when he ran his option offense against Coach's orders. And what happened at halftime? Coach put VooDoo in a corner and screamed "GET OUTTA MY FACE! GET OUTTA MY FACE!" before replacing him with the same guy who was banging his daughter. VooDoo was never seen again in a Dillon uniform and later lost the State Championship to Coach who did his talking on the field.

Coach Taylor Threat Level: 10

The time Mac McGill called black players "junkyard dogs".

Smash apologized at first but then huddled up with the other black players and protested playing in every game until Mac is fired. Smash's mom later redeemed herself for the whole steroid situation (she had to get back on Coach's side somehow) and convinced Smash to "choose his battles" and play. Mac later redeemed himself by coming to the defense of the black players when they were pulled over after winning the game by some racists cops, and all seemed to be settled. When handling this, Coach was advised by Buddy AND Tami to fire Mac, but went against both of their words and rode that shit out. And what happened? That shit rode out and everyone moved on.

Coach Taylor Threat Level: 5

The time Smash started doing steroids.

Smash wanted to be a top-100 recruit and was willing to do anything to get there. When Smash's mom found his smack, she implicated Coach Taylor for being behind it. And if we know one thing, it's that you do NOT implicate Coach Taylor if you don't have any supporting evidence. Smash's mom learned that the hard way when he got kicked off the team, but was later reinstated after agreeing to regular drug tests. Coach Taylor later hooked Smash up with a D1 scholly like good Texas high school coaches do.

Coach Taylor Threat Level: Began 9, ended 3. 

And this all brings us back to Richie motherfuckin' Incognito. Here is how it would have gone down:

  • All the talk between Incognito and Martin about objectifying women would have been swept under the rug. Coach was mum over Riggins taking Lyla down while Street was in intensive care, so it's pretty obvious that this is a non-issue. As long as you're not banging his daughter, it's evident that Coach is a fan of you getting releasing a little tension in the form of bangin'. Coach Taylor Threat Level: 2
  • The physical threats toward Martin and his family are the toughest part of this situation. Though Incognito's threats didn't seem all that serious, threats are threats are threats. But honestly - Landry fucking killed someone and Coach didn't even really notice. You think a couple text threats are going to cause Coach to sweat? Nope. I'm not even sure Coach (or anyone in Dillon) knows what texting us considering they would just show up at each other's door rather than using cell phones. Coach Taylor Threat Level: 1
  • And now for the racism. This is where shit gets dicey. Coach didn't necessarily consider what Mac said to be a fire-able offense. But real talk, you can't turn your back on racism twice without being widely considered a racist. Were Incognito's racist comments malicious? Well, yeah, they were. Has the media been actually somewhat supportive of Incognito when it comes to whether not he's actually racist? Weirdly, yes. Is Coach allowed to give him the Mac treatment and hope it all works itself out? No. Coach Taylor Threat Level: 10

The decision: Coach brings Richie into his office and gives a silent but strong, "Sit down." Coach stares at him for probably 15 seconds before saying, "What were you thinking?" Richie stumbles over his words like Saracen does when he talks to pretty much everyone. Coach then says, "It's a damn shame we're here this afternoon. I'm sure you're well aware that I let Mac stay as Offensive Coordinator after his incident. His statements were taken out of context. Your statements were just. plain. stupid. Now get the hell out of my office and pack your things." Then he unleashes the ICIEST stare you've ever seen.

Incognito OUT.


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