Sunday Scaries March Madness: The Hot Bro Bracket
The Masters. White pants. The Kentucky Derby. Baseball. Porches. Sun. March Madness.
Spring is the best. But, I have to be honest: Old Man Body and I aren't big college basketball guys which is why we have to focus our bracketology elsewhere.
OMB and I have tossed around the idea of doing a Hot Bro Mount Rushmore for probably two months. We've had in-depth discussions over what constitutes a Hot Bro, who deserves the top spot, and whether or not Kid Rock deserves his own tribute like Crazy Horse. What we came up with was this: analyzing Hot Bros is tough work and there 's only one way to determine the Hottest of Hot: a March Madness-style bracket.
What is a 'Hot Bro'?
First, we must start with the definition of a Hot Bro before some ignorant idiot starts saying, "What? Are you guys, like, checkin' out dudes or something?"
Hot Bro / ˈhätˌbrō / noun — a good looking man of leisure, traditionally famous or well-known for his exploits in film, television, music, sport, femalia, and general awesomeness.
Love 'em (see: Teller; Kid Rock) or hate 'em (see: Bieber; Bilzerian), you'd switch places with a Hot Bro in a second. You can high-horse it all you want and make claims that you'd rather be yourself than "that fairy Justin Bieber," but he'd spit champagne in your face faster than you could say, "Why'd you dump Selena Gomez?"
"Scaries, how'd you come up with with these 32 guys? You missed a ton of awesome dudes!"
Old Man Body so graciously created a list of his Hottest Bros as separated by categories (Actors, Singers, Athletes, Grab Bag) and I used my critical-thinking and editing prowess to refine the list and make necessary adjustments as I saw fit. Did I switch out Patrick Kane for Henrik Lundqvist and Denzel for Gosling? Yeah, but the meat of the bracket is a product of Old Man Body himself.
If you are truly butt-hurt that we missed someone, by all means, let us know. But large considerations were taken to cover a wide spectrum of Bros. And at the end of the day, is a Hemsworth brother really going to take down a McConaughey or a Timberlake? No.
Just bear with us and trust the process.
For round one, OMB and I got you covered. We'll each be taking an 8-man region in order to come up with the Hottest Sweet 16 possible. Once the Sweet 16 established, it goes to a vote up until the Hottest Bro is crowned and everything the light touches is his kingdom.
OMB will be taking the Singers and Athletes while I'll tackle the Actors and Etc. Regions.
Round 1: Actors
(1) Leo over (8) Bradley Cooper
Don't play with fire if you're not willing to get burned. Just an unfortunate match-up for Bradley Cooper in Round 1.
(5) Miles Teller over (4) Clooney
Earth to Clooney! When you're literally President of the Hot Bro Hall of Fame, ya don't get married, dude. Besides, Miles Teller is ushering in today's generation of awesome dudes. The Spectacular Now? Phenomenal. That Awkward Moment? Everything mid-20s guys should aspire to be. Whiplash? Movie of the year.
(6) Riggins over (3) Gosling
Upset Alert. Taylor Kitsch is still basking in his Tim Riggins glory while Gosling is in some weird rock duo and calling himself "Baby Goose." Besides, after True Detective Season 2, Taylor Kitsch is going to be the toast of the town. Make way.
(2) McConaughey over (7) Colin Farrell
OMB making McConaughey the 2-seed was a sneaky slap in the face to me and he knows it. To think that Colin Farrell even had a shot against the Sunday Scaries official mascot is preposterous.
- Sunday Scaries
ROUND 1: ATHLETES
(1) Gronk over (8) Russ Wilson
I’m a Wisconsin guy through and through so you know I love me some Russell Wilson. Divorcing his alledgedly cheating wife before signing fat contract was a true hot bro move. However, this is Gronk we’re talking about here. He might be the Hottest Bro in all the land right now coming off a Super Bowl win. “Yo Soy Fiesta!”, Gronk is making the Final Four.
(4) Dufner over (5) King Henrik
Henrik Lundqvist is a certified Hot Bro, that much is certain. NHL player? Check. Flow for days? Check. One of the best of his era? Check. Dufner is starting to slip a bit with the insane weight loss, but let’s not forget the fact he managed to score a wife whose ass has launched a thousand ships all while permanently dipping a horseshoe of Copenhagen straight. Sounds like my future, except I suck at golf.
(3) Lewis Hamilton over (6) Bryce Harper
I honestly don’t know a lot about Lewis Hamilton except that he’s the Euro F1 driver that wins a bunch of shit and bags the hottest babe from the Pussycat Dolls. Bryce Harper on the other hand? Great at baseball but I can’t trust someone who doesn’t drink to win my Hot Bro bracket. Bryce also loses points for that terrible mohawk. C’mon Bryce, mohawks are for middle-schoolers and try-hards.
(2) Rory McIlroy over (7) Cristiano Ronaldo
Soccer is another sport where I don’t know shit about it, and don’t planning on learning about it until everyone’s brain turns to mush and the NFL as we know it is over. What I do know is that when you’re one of the highest paid soccer players in Europe, you play like 3 games a year and spend the rest of your time banging models in Ibiza and driving your fleet of Lambos. That said, soccer players are pussies and Rory is one of the best golfers in the world. Dumping his hot tennis player fiancée and then winning tournaments right in her face gets him the nod here.
- Old Man Body
ROUND 1: SINGERS
(1) John Mayer over (8) Robin Thicke
Yeah, my Bad Girl All-Star Miley twerking all over Robin’s dick on MTV was pretty sweet but let’s not forget this is the guy that cheated on his wife and got all sappy at every concert for six months trying to win her back. Not a hot bro look. Mayer on the other hand? The guy has bedded every woman in show business worth knocking the boots with. He’s even showed that it’s okay for Hot Bros to have a soft side and I respect the hell out of that.
(4) Jimmy Buffett over (5) Adam Levine
Quick: name a member not named Adam Levine of Maroon 5. I bet you can’t even find it on Google. Much like Timberlake, you know you’ve reached the pinnacle of Hot Bro-ness when people can’t even name a single one of your bandmates. For me though, this isn’t a contest. If you made a Venn diagram of “Hot Bros” and “Parrotheads”, it would just be two circles laid directly on top of each other. Buffett has been facilitating blackouts for folks young and old for decades with no signs of slowing down. His life is what every Hot Bro aspires to have.
(3) Kid Rock over (6) Bieber
I won’t shit on Bieber as hard as most, because deep down he’s a Hot Bro. Sure, he’s obnoxious but I would be too at that age if I had that much money. He’s out driving drunk and snagging hookers in Brazil and still gets Selena Gomez to come to his beck and call. Kid Rock couldn’t be any more opposite. A total Michigan redneck through and through, he now lives on a spread of land in Alabama across the street from Hank Williams, Jr, and spends his days drinking ice cold domestos and shooting animals from his ATV. And please, are you really going to play “Baby” over “All Summer Long” or “Born Free” when you’re on the lake this summer? Kid Rock in a blowout.
(7) Luke Bryan over (2) Timberlake
UPSET CITY! Yeah, I’m biased because I generally lean towards country music, even though I wouldn’t classify Luke as all that country. JT crushes it with the ladies and has been the new King of Pop since I was grabbing my date’s ass at an 8th grade dance. But have you been to a Luke Bryan show? There’s more bras on stage by the end than in a Victoria’s Secret show. I once saw him get on the piano to cover “Stay” by Rihanna and based on the amount of basements I saw flooded that night, I have to give Luke the nod here.
- Old Man Body
Round 1: ETC.
(1) Prince Harry over (8) Dan Bilzerian
Yeah, like an entitled prick that kicks girls in the face in Vegas is going to take down a royal 1-seed who plays polo and has a better lineage than 99% of the world's population. Next.
(5) Kliff Kingsbury over (4) Bachelor Chris
Kliff Kingsbury (Head Coach of Texas Tech Football that looks like Gosling) is like the real life Coach Taylor while Bachelor Chris is just a member of the Lucky Sperm Club who happened to get a reality TV show gig. And hey Bachelor Chris, ever since you next'd my girl Tara, I've had it out for you.
(3) Scaries Crew over (6) Evan Spiegel
Raise your hand if you know who Evan Spiegel is without Googling him. Alright, no one? Now raise your hand if you know who the Scaries Crew is. Alright, done and done. Game, set, match: Scaries Crew.
(2) Lord Disick over (7) Drew Rosenhaus
I can't say this without coming off as a douchebag, so I'm not even going to sugarcoat it: Scott Disick is my spirit animal. All Drew Rosenhaus (millionaire sports agent) does is piggy-back on big contracts that athletes never live up to. Disick bangs Kardashians and wears velvet slippers with Persols.
- Sunday Scaries