By Sunday Scaries / A Bunch of WOULDS
When I created the Hibernation Girlfriend Application (still accepting applications, by the way), I really thought I had covered all the bases: television, hair color, cocktails, dogs, the works. But while a select few of the girls included their Twitter handles, any way to contact the other dream girls was unintentionally omitted from the application. This went from a "I'm going to find the girl of my dreams" idea to a "I've found a whole new version of Craigslist Missed Connections."
But unfortunately, I've made my bed so now I have to sleep in it. Get it? Because this is a hibernation thing? Alright alright, I get why you're here. On with the answers.
Are you above an 8?
No respondents reported being below an 8, most likely out of fear that I'd throw their application away immediately.
Which I would have.
My hair most resembles... Sienna Miller, Lily Collins, Connie Britton.
Of qualifying and accepted applications, the hair breakdown went as follows:
Sienna Miller: 12.5%
Lily Collins: 50%
Connie Britton: 25%
Sienna Miller + Connie Britton: 12.5%
In one curious response, someone said, "Would like to start off with the fact that the hair question did not include a ginger, which I am. Actually not to brag (I'm going to brag), but I have pretty phenomenal hair. Better than yours? I guess we'll let our friends decide, but I'll just say Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers minus the crazy."
Do you get riled up over bros that look like Jason Sudeikis?
All respondents reported back positively. This comes as no surprise to anyone.
Select One: 1st Base, 2nd Base, 3rd Base, Homerun, #UpForWhatever.
Almost everyone answered "#UpForWhatever" besides one applicant who simply chose "2nd Base." And while I was initially turned off by her lack of zeal to bump uglies with yours truly, her prude-ish response has not only set herself apart from the other applicants, but it's also left me wanting more.
What passwords are you currently in possession of?
We topped out at six for this one, but I was mainly just looking for a Showtime password so I can catch up on Shameless since I haven't seen an episode since I stopped housesitting.
The second half of the application is where we really got to get down to the nitty gritty. No more multiple choice; no more lobs; no more fucking around. This is where the tens separated themselves from the eights and nines.
What is your cold-weather drink of choice?
"14 oz. pours of any type of Red Wine."
"Gin & tonic/full bottle of red."
"Every winter I make spiked cider with the strongest rum I can find, but pounding heavy/sugary drinks all day is not conducive to the type of drunk I want to be during #BenderThroughDecember. Last time my friends and I day drank (aka last Saturday), I started with mimosas, moved on to beer, had a couple toddys, then finished the night with margaritas. Needless to say, the next day I was beyond scared."
"Whiskey always, gin and tonic if I feel like reliving Spain, wine because I'm a girl."
"Are we talking like hot beverages? Because I'm all about that Starbucks life. However, I love a good Bloody Mary and a girly cocktail. If it's pink and has bubbles, I'm there for it."
What's your favorite romantic comedy and how will you apply the principles of said romantic comedy to our relationship?
"Friends With Benefits, and we could have lots of benefits."
"Mr. and Mrs. Smith. We will apply hot sex and me looking good in your shirts."
"The Proposal and/or Crazy, Stupid, Love (very underrated btw). Basically just be as attractive and witty as either Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling, while I will keep it 100 a la Emma Stone and Sandy Bullock."
"Does Wedding Crashers count? If so, I think the rest is pretty self-explanatory."
"He's Just Not That Into You, because obviously you're not going to NOT be into me, but let's be honest, i think we both are aware of the need for separate time so we can each have separation/attachment issues and withdrawals from each other. Honestly, I'm not 100% sure that relates to the movie, I'm a little drunk right now, but it makes sense in my head.
"When Harry met Sally - I'll always be excited for lunch."
"Does the Christmas episode of New Girl when Jess and Sam end up together after attending all of those Christmas parties count? I choose that. I'll be Jess, you just be all the best parts of Nick/Schmidt."
What will our "we've watched everything on Netflix already" playlist consist of?
I either wasn't specific enough on this question or Sunday Scaries really caters to bimbos (except one who answered this correctly). I was looking for some snow day music — Paul Simon, John Mayer, Van Morrison. But whatever, we'll roll with just more TV. This one's on me.
"Literally everything but most recently breaking bad, always sunny, new girl and parks and rec."
"Any episodes of the following: Parks and Rec, New Girl, The Office (really only seasons 1-3 though), true crime documentaries about random subjects i.e. The Unibomber, Broad City or Inside Amy Schumer."
"House of cards season 3 in 7 days obvi"
"I mean if we're being honest probably a lot of Friends and Scandal. I'm probably going to make you watch a good amount of Sex and the City (Not Netflix but you get it) and I'm a bartender so I'll at least get you tipsy prior to asking if you'd rather do Carrie or Charlotte. I have a really comfy bed too. Lots of pillows. So if you can tolerate the TV choices you'll be cozy as fuck."
"Mind of a Chef. After which, I'll be inspired to cook something delicious for you for dinner."
"A healthy mix of sports, romantic comedies and cult classics. Also binge-watching popular tv series on Sundays to keep the anxiety at bay and my blood pressure low."
Describe your Lazy Sunday Panic Room outfit.
"Your Red Wings Jersey."
"Red plaid Ralph Lauren PJs. We'll get you a matching set."
"J. Crew leggings, Drake concert tee, your Pat fleece."
"Sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no make up on."
"Not real pants (if any at all), a tank top, and a large sweatshirt, only because i spend 90% of my life cold."
"High school sweats."
"Leggings, Flannel, and the best messy bun I have ever seen. Seriously."
Do you have a dog? If yes, please describe.
"I have a puppy nephew. Male. 8 months. Golden retriever. Happiest dog in the world."
"Male, 4, black lab, amazing."
"Charlie, male 3 year old boxer dog. Sometimes referred to as Tyrone because he looks like a linebacker. Will run around with me when I feel like being fit, but will snooze at my feet whenever I don't feel like doing anything (read: every. single. Sunday.)"
"Male, older (I don't know Timmy's exact age), Mutt, and he is a sweet little weirdo. He likes to try and dig through the couch. I don't think Timmy knows he isn't going to get anywhere by doing this but it's really fun to SnapChat him while he gives it a go."
Are you okay with me having attachment issues with your dog?
None of these answers mattered because I have attachment issues with every dog I've ever met. 10 of my last 11 Instagrams are of dogs that aren't mine.
Are you available for a wedding on June 6, 2015?
All but one respondent expressed availability on June 6th but in true Sunday Scaries form, I can't get this playing-hard-to-get girl out of my head. NEED her to be at this wedding on my arm.
What sets you apart from the hundreds of other applicants?
"I actually filled out this application."
"My ability to understand the unique and differentiated type of man that you are. I also have attachment issues with dogs and would ask that you don't disqualify me from the running simply because I'm not available on June 6."
"Best laugh. For sure."
"I'm from Texas, so I don't actually have to hibernate due to climate reason. I'm just naturally amazing at hibernating. I can slug all day whether the temp is negative 22 or a boiling 102. Also, I'm taking it as a sign that I'm already in 4 weddings this year and June 6th is one of the only weekends I don't have anything going on during wedding season."
"My tits and love for hibernating."