Daddy needs a Halloween costume.
I fucking hate Halloween.
When I was 4 years old, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were THE thing to be. While all my friends were walking around the classroom looking like jacked-up turtles with awesome weapons, my mom dressed me in a regular turtle costume with a Slinky as my nunchucks. My mom either thought I was gay or was intentionally trying to scar me for life. But, I turned out awesome and I love chicks, so joke's on you, mom.
In 6th grade, my parents hung me out to dry and didn't help me come up with a costume so I used my sister's old Red M&M costume. I looked like a huuuuge pussy. Luckily, the next year, I planned ahead and went as Gilligan.
When I was 19, my ex-girlfriend made me go to a sorority couples costume party as Jack and Jill. I had to carry a fucking bucket all night while simultaneously explaining to people that we were, in fact, Jack and fucking Jill. Think of a more vanilla couples costume - you can't.
But not this year, guys. This year is THE year. I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm attempting to go through a costuming renaissance, if you will. The only issue with this? I'm coming up with too many phenomenal fucking ideas. It's like I'm the point-man for CostumeExpress.com's annual brain trust meeting.
Pros: Between my red Patagonia vest, jean jacket, and windowpane-patterned shirt collection, I pretty much already got this costume in the bag.
Cons: I don't know if I can commit to buying these $98 sneakers when I know I'm proooooobably just going to fucking ruin them when I'm getting swervy as hell on the dancefloor. And honestly, these sneakers make the costume.
Pros: I obviously already have a Masters hat because it's a Hot-Bro staple, all you need is a painting suit and some green markers. This costume also screams, "I don't have to wear underwear."
Cons: Kind of a boring doorknob costume that doesn't scream "I'm trying to crush Halloween this year." / may make me look fat.
Pros: I can legitimately drink a million beers, chief six packs of smokes, and say the weirdest shit you've ever heard, and no one can say anything to me because I'm just "in costume."
Cons: I'd have to live up to McConaughey the entire night - would I even be able to enjoy myself while shouldering that responsibility?
Pros: Because I'm supposed to be a dead person, I don't have to speak to anyone and I can pass out anywhere I want without justifying it. Also, I'm currently crushing an awesome beard that could transform into a money Bernie-stache.
Cons: The 21-24 year old babe demographic will have ZERO idea who I'm supposed to be.