A Straight Man's "Girls" Preview

By Sunday Scaries

Girls be blowin' UP right now. HBO just released the Season 4 preview and Lena Dunham is on blast because she wrote about molesting her 7-year-old sister in Not That Kind Of Girl. While saying this will completely negate everything in my Man Résumé, I have to admit: I need season 4 of Girls. My fall Sunday programming sucks. The NFL games aren't holding my attention, The Affair is boring as fuck, HBO has nothing doing, and Fox was running The World Series (which I had did everything in my power to avoid).

Girls Season 4 Preview.

And, to be clear, I welcome any and all criticism that anyone has for me watching this show. I can't explain why I miss this freakfest. I just do and I can't justify it. Everyone has their opinions on good/bad television. I mean, just the other night, I got criticized for watching David Blaine specials, which is bonkers. I could watch David Blaine turn $1 bills into $100 bills in the inner-city for the rest of my life. If there was a channel that just followed David Blaine around while he turns $1 bills into $100 bills, I'd have it on 24/7. The fact that anyone can dispute this just shows that the world will never agree on television, and that's okay.

Anyway, after watching the Season 4 preview of Girls, my wheels starting turning regarding what type of dumb shit these broads are going to get into this season. Lena Dunham somehow manages to mastercraft the most self-destructive characters ever, outside of Ray who I still think will end up killing someone and pin it on Laird.

The Core Four

Hannah (Lena Dunham): In the preview, Lena states that, "the girls are making smarter choices, and realizing that life is still hard." I don't know what she means by "life is still hard" because I'm pretty sure that none of these characters pay their own rent in New York City, nor do they have full-time jobs in an attempt to do so. But that's neither here nor there.

But, I mean, fucking Iowa? If she actually decides to go to Iowa, that could be the straw that breaks the camel's back for me. Zero desire to watch a show where Lena Dunham goes to a fucking writer's workshop in fucking Iowa. It would be about as exciting as me setting up a camera in my bedroom (which I'm now calling The Panic Room) so people can watch me scroll my iPad on Sundays when I'm hungover.

She'll go to Iowa, love it, have some earth-shattering event occur (a Hannah-earth-shattering event, like an ear infection or an ingrown toenail), and she'll go back to New York City standing sadly/innocently at Adam's doorstep.

Marnie (Allison Williams): Marnie, who continues to never stop singing and fucking weirdos, goes Britney-Spears-crazy and cuts her hair short, like Shailene Woodley and Jennifer Lawrence. The reasoning behind this is actually incredibly logical - the taping of this season of Girls coincidentally fell over Allison Williams getting the role of Peter Pan, which requires short hair. Because Marnie is already a strategic hot mess like Amanda Bynes, it only makes sense that she would do something completely wacko like chopping her hair off. This is a mortal lock and if it doesn't happen, I'll record my own "What I Am" video.

Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet): Shosh is getting engaged. I don't know when and I don't know who it will be with, but Shosh is getting engaged. Between fucking bellhops and freaking out on the other three girls, Shosh still deep down wants to be basic and get engaged right out of college.

Jessa (Jemima Kirke): Dies of a drug overdose. Has to happen. And by "has to happen," I just mean that I really want it to happen.

The Bros

Adam (Adam Driver): Based on the preview, we know that he's got some sort of issue with Hannah going to Iowa, so there's obviously relationship turmoil. While Hannah is (probably) doing Molly with Elijah at the preview's frat party, I think Adam is going to be taking down a HARD 10. Things we know: Adam is a freak in the bed. He's going to need to get his while Hannah finding herself, and he's going to do it with a girl that will piss Hannah off upon her return.

Ray (Alex Karpovsky): Bruh. You're too cool for these chicks. GET OUT. You can only push a man so far before he reaches his breaking point. While I'd prefer his breaking point involved more murder than moving, I think Ray moves. I think he packs his shit and actually leaves.

Elijah (Andrew Rannells): Unless Hannah makes him leave the frat party due to some unjustified freakout, Elijah will have some sort of threesome. I feel like Lena Dunham has some sort of grudge against fraternities in general, so she would love to ruffle their feathers by adding a homo-erotic aspect to them.

The Wildcards

People I want to see more of:

Laird (Jon Glaser): Don't care how, don't care why. I just Need. More. Laird. #beanies #pom

Charlie (Christopher Abbott): This show needs some semblance of sanity outside of Ray, and Charlie is our only hope for that. The only issue is that Lena Dunham clearly hates Christopher Abbott because she continually writes him as the most boring character ever.

Dr. Josh from episode "One Man's Trash" (Patrick Wilson): Dude had a sick pad and a bad attitude. Zero chance we see him this season, though. Hannah's naked body playing ping-pong forever scared him off-set.

People I want to see less of:

Adam's Fucking Sister: I'm not even attempting to Google her name on the show or her name in real life. I don't want that stink on my Google history. She's one of the few people in the world that can give me Sober Scaries upon her entrance into the room. I feel like she smells terrible.

Hannah's Fucking Parents: Snooze City, Population: The Horvaths. Just get off my HBOGO, guys. You're boring.

Other than that, this season is going to go like every other season: petty emotional turmoil, awkward nakedness, first world problem after first world problem, ending right back where we fucking started.