This past year I’ve been dating a lot. Okay, I shouldn’t say a lot because that’s a stretch. I go on a lot of first dates but it hasn’t gone much further because I’m a judgmental asshole who also has been told she’s intimidating. A lot of drinking and “So what do you do?” has been happening over the past seven months. I think I’ve got the men of the Pacific Northwest pretty well pegged by what they order when I pull my first date move on them.
What’s your move, Kendra? I shouldn’t tell you this but I’m all about spreading the wealth.
You get to the bar first, on purpose. You then text them and say something playful enough like: “Hey got here a little early. First round’s on me, pick your poison.” And then you’ve got them in the bag, ladies. They’re always impressed when you pick up at least part of the tab and it establishes that you are not just in it for the free drinks. (Even though you’re kind of in it for the drinks.)
“A beer. Whatever’s on tap.”
Duuuudeeee. This isn’t Great Falls, Montana. This is an actual city, bro. There are literally like, 10 beers on every tap. You’re ruining the move by making me be like “IPA? Pale ale? How dark?” You’re the equivalent of the girl who says “I don’t care I’ll go wherever you want,” but then gets pissed when the boyfriend didn’t just guess what she ACTUALLY wanted. Don’t make me pick for both of us because when you don’t like it I’ll have to finish the pitcher and I’m getting really tired of making my Uber driver pull over so I can puke.
“I’m feeling like a margarita.”
Are we on spring break? Did I miss something and we decided to not go to a hipster tavern but in fact are at Señor Frogs? Margaritas are the international cocktail symbol for “Let’s get so full of sugar we’re drunk wayyyy faster and make some really terrible decisions.” Margaritas are for boats, vacations, and housewives at 3:30 in the afternoon. If you are having a margarita I really don’t know how to order a drink of the same equivalence because unless I’m partially sunburned in a Target bikini I think my body actually will actually reject it.
“Martini. Ice on the lake. Two olives.”
If you order this and do not morph into a Mad Men character before my very eyes I’m going to be wildly disappointed.
“Whiskey coke. Thanks.”
This is not a cocktail; this is what we used to put into Coke bottles to sneak into football games in high school. If you order a whiskey coke you probably have plaid sheets and no bed frame. You’re going to show up to our date in a hoodie and a Neff hat and while the 20-year-old in me that still has a Sk8er Boi (thanks for that, Avril) complex I’m going to be really annoyed when you don’t know what happened with Edward Snowden. Whiskey and coke is what we make when we forget to stock our grown up bar. No. Just no.
“Just like a vodka soda.”
Well aren’t you easy. You’re probably going to get real hands-y too after about four of these little guys. That’s cool. Those have that effect on a person. You really should at least straw-muddle a lime in there though; it’ll give it some sort of taste.
“I’d love an Old Fashioned.”
Well I’d love to take off my shirt, you classy bastard.
Once at a bar my best-friend was wasted and ordered an old fashioned thinking they would bring him a doughnut. They didn’t. If you know what you’re getting and chose that drink I am impressed. Good drink order, I respect you.
You’re going to talk to me a lot about records and craft beer, aren’t you? You’re probably “really moved by Wes Anderson films” and really identify with a novelist no one has ever heard of. You probably roll your own cigarettes and go to Linda’s once a week just to “think about Cobain.” You’re wearing a Star Wars shirt even though you don’t like Star Wars. You’re going to talk really quietly and mysteriously and make me lean in so I can hear you. Yeah, that’s not me trying to get closer to your horn-rimmed glasses and beard, I just can’t hear what you’re fucking saying.
And I know all of these are true because I order IPAs and I do a lot to all of these. Except the quiet talking bullshit. I talk really loudly because everything I say is important and ground-breaking. And the Star Wars bit. I fuckin' love Star Wars. Han shot first.