How To Text With Dudes

By Kendra

Relationships are tricky things these days, ya’ll. You not only have your face to face interactions to be concerned about but all of your digital communication is also being scrutinized. We’re judgmental; can we all just admit that for a second? When you’re trying to figure out if someone likes you it’s same to pretty much assume everything you do, especially online, is being looked at under a metaphorical microscope. There’s Twitter flirting and playing coy on G-Chat and Snapchat moments and analyzing what it means if they like something on Facebook. It’s kind of exhausting.

But then there’s the crown jewel of technological flirting: the texting.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the days pre-caller I'd where having a separate phone line for your see-through Claire’s phone you got to keep in your room was a big deal. I miss when the most complicated kind of flirting phone-wise was trying to sneak calls to your boo past 9 PM and not have your mom listening in from the kitchen. Texting is complicated, and there are a ton of rules that go alone with it.

Apparently I’m not supposed to rock the read receipts as a female because according to the boys around town they all agree that would mean I’m crazy. Guys have a free pass to blatantly show that they’re blowing me off but if I do that, it means I’m planning on “boiling rabbits in the kitchen.” I have to play the demure little lady and do the whole “Oh sorry I was at drinks with Amanda. She had a groupon haha *kissing emoji*” instead of just having that “Read 4:30 PM” say it all for me because letting Apple do the dirty work makes me bonkers. (Side note: I’m a vegetarian so I’m not going to be doing any bunny boiling anytime soon.)

The thing is though, I purposely ignore people too. The texting game is not just reserved for hot bros with good hair. I can play the game with the best of them. I don’t necessarily play the texting game because I like it – I’m just competitive and I like to be good at things.  

When I was reading back on some of Scaries’ greatest hits I came across this little gem. A lot of the rules apply to us gal pals, but because double standards exist to a certain extent we have to play by our own rules. So here you go: my five rules for texting hot bros and how you too can become the Sophia Loren of text flirting.

1. Think H.O.T. before you type.

An acronym!? Kendra, how fucking Kindergarten teacher of you! I took some education classes in college, I know. So you’re sitting on your couch, eating goldfish crackers and watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and you get the urge to text your dude. Before your little thumbs start going tappity tap tap, think about what you’re going to say. 

Is it:

  • Humerous?
  • On topic with what you were texting about?
  • (Just) Temptation?

If it’s one of the first two, go for it! Being a funny chick is pretty much the easiest way to set yourself apart from all of the dipshits that he’s probably come across in his life. If you were already talking and it’s just continuing conversation, that’s harmless. But if it’s just because you’re bored and feel like texting, text one of your girlfriends instead. Until you are FBO or whatever he is not your go to tempted-text receiptient. That just makes you look desperate and lonely.

2. You don’t have to and shouldn’t text him back right away.

Even if he’s just asking if you’re free tonight and you totes are it’s legit to make him wait a little bit. Go eat an avocado over the sink or squeeze some junk out of your pores (don’t make that face it’s fucking satisfying and we all do it) for fifteen before saying “I could be, what’d you have in mind?” Being too available is not sexy. Have friends, have hobbies, have interests outside of letting him pay for your drinks. 

3. Cool it with the emojis.

We’re all excited for the next batch of emojis and are praying for a middle finger and a taco; we all love them. But having a full conversation that consists of different faces and hands in between each sentence? That’s reserved for your girlfriends and your gay-friends. Guys just get confused and annoyed and frankly, it kind of makes you look like a high-schooler. Put that doughnut emoji AWAY. You don’t want him to start thinking of you as a 17-year-old because that would make what you want him to do to you after midnight illegal and it will creep him out.

You know what’s funnier and more effective than emojis? A solid gif usage. You show me something annoying on a text and I’ll show you a Ron Swanson gif that will win you way more points than some stupid thumbs down.

4. Tread carefully with the pictures.

Look, I’m all for you doing whatever you want to do with your boobs. Want to show ‘em off outside of McDonalds after Ladies Night? Good for you but I’m turning around and walking briskly away when the cops spot you. If you want to send him a dirty pic go for it, that’s your right. 

But know that he’s going to show it to his buddies. Even if he says he won’t and he deleted it right after, he’s lying. If you’re comfortable with him, Brandon, Mark, Zach, Tyler, Drew, Jake, Garrett and whoever else he’s playing Halo and circle-jerking it with seeing your nipples by all means. Consider it carefully before snapping it, that’s all I’m saying.

5. If you’re drunk, put it away.

This is one I’m still getting a handle on and honestly, it can be seriously embarrassing. And this is coming from someone who puked pasta on a neighbor’s door and blamed it on another neighbor’s dog – not easy to shake me. Do everything in your power to avoid being the drunk texter. 

If it’s giving away your phone do that. If it’s downloading one of those apps that makes you do math do that. If there is something you can do to stop yourself from sending something incoherent and sloppy do whatever you can to stop it from going out there. Apologizing for your drunk rambles while in bed eating hangover eggs should be a rare occurrence at best. 

6. Don’t over-think it.

If you are an over-thinker and can’t play it cool that’s going to come across in your texts. You are going to sound neurotic and shaky like a tiny dog that’s afraid of her own shadow. Settle down, girl. 

We are all crazy. Every. Last. One. Of. Us. Guys don’t need to know your crazy. Until he loves you keep that shit under lock and key. Once he loves you feel free to send the “Do you think my mom only had me because she was worried my sister would someday contract an incurable disease and they wanted to have a possible kidney donor?” text. Or the “Which one of my friends would you cheat on me with if you knew I would take you back?” text. Until then absolutely not. You’re better than that.