Douchebag Pete's Waste Management Phoenix Open Preview
Yeah, I'm well-fucking-aware the season has already started but let's be honest with ourselves and admit that the PGA season doesn't really start until the Waste Management Open on January 29th. With the 16th hole being the biggest party of the season and an absolutely stacked field this year, who better to discuss this with than Douchebag Pete himself?
Sunday Scaries: Alright, DBP, I'm hungover as fuck and scrolling through Golf Digest's 2015-16 America's 100 Greatest Public Courses got me horny as hell for some golf. Whaddya say we get into this season's Waste Management Phoenix Open preview?
Douchebag Pete: LOVE IT. Can't wait to get into this and it's the perfect time. I hate to diminish the prestigious Hyundai Tournament of Champions and slick Willie's Humana Challenge but my PGA season starts with this weekend's WM Phoenix Open. The 16th hole alone makes this tournament a highlight of the season and this year's field is the best we have seen in years. I can't help but to replay the best shot/celly combo in golf history over and over in my head when I think about Tiger being back in the lineup. If he does that again this year you can guarantee an all riot and the tournament being cancelled due to the grandstands burning to the ground. Scaries, any predictions or dream scenarios you have for this weekend?
Sunday Scaries: Uhhh, do the words "Kid Rock performing in the Bird's Nest" mean anything to you? The PGA Tour is notoriously full of shithead alcoholics, and you'd have to imagine they're going to show up on a mission during the Kid's set. Who are you betting on to get the drunkest at his performance: Robert Allenby, Kid Rock himself, Dustin Johnson, or the field?
Douchebag Pete: Well yeah, Kid Rock performing in the Bird's Nest is clearly going to be highlight of the tournament weekend, I just thought that was understood. Calling the drunkest person at the show is going to be tough. I'll tell you one thing, it ain't Allenby. That guy has some serious Scaries to deal with. You gotta know DJ is gonna be in Kid's dressing room before and after the show as well as backstage the whole show. Even with the "time off" he has a good shot at taking the title for drunkest. Too bad Anthony Kim isn't around. Who are you taking?
Sunday Scaries: Oh, I'm taking Dustin Johnson, dude. He's not playing this weekend but you gotta think he's going to sneak away from his crying newborn to get a little bro time in at the funnest event of the fuckin' season. I mean, what do you think of him claiming that he doesn't have a coke problem? Someone recently told me that they imagine himself saying, "'I mean, yeah, I party and do a lot of cocaine, but its not a problem. It's fucking awesome." Maybe it's because one of our best friends looks exactly like him, but I'm just not buying the sober DJ at this point.
Douchebag Pete: Anyone that says "I don't have a cocaine problem" definitely has a cocaine problem. Classic case of denial. You know he's still partying and no way he misses that show. Alright enough of the TMZ shit. Who do you think is looking good for this weekend?
Sunday Scaries: Who do I think is looking good? Is that a serious question? Tiger Woods could be missing his right leg and I'd still take him as my favorite.
Douchebag Pete: YUP, gotta go with Tiger. I'm hearing from Tiger's camp that he's feeling really good about where he is in the process. I bet his traj' is dialed in. I've got two other picks in case some freak accident happens to Tiger, like a white VW Bug driving on to the course and running him over.
Gary Woodland: CRUSHES the ball. The guy goes through like 3 drivers a year because he literally cracks the face of the drivers. This course is long and open so big hitters have the advantage. What do we know about Gary? The guy's a big hitter.
Hideki Matsuyama: Sneaky talented and probably has the fastest downswing on tour. He has one speed and it's all out. When he won the Memorial last year he snapped his driver on 18 and had to win the playoff without it, so we know he can bounce back from adversity. He finished tied for fourth here last year and had a good showing in Hawaii. He'll be lurking at the top of the leaderboard all weekend.
Sunday Scaries: At first I was surprised to see you're backing a foreigner, but I just remembered that you spent time in Asia because true Hot Bros always have work experience abroad. And while I know you love long hitters (I once saw DBP flex and smile after flying a green), I'm surprised you're ignoring the rest of Thursday's LOADED 12:07pm threesome featuring Tiger, Spieth, and our boy Patrick Reed.
Douchebag Pete: Trust me, I hate leaving Spieth and Reed off of my list. For no reason at all, I don't see either of them winning in the desert. More importantly, Spieth hasn't played in 2015 and I don't think he's ready to contend just yet. Reed didn't blow me away at the Humana last weekend and he seems to have a bit of a hangover from his win in Hawaii. It's really just gut feelings for these two, so it wouldn't be a surprise if I'm wrong. Butttt I'm rarely wrong. From here, I'd take the conversation to our feelings on the golf course, but that's pointless because the only thing we need to discuss is how awesome hole 16 is.
Sunday Scaries: While I wish I was a traditionalist who looked down on the stadium seating and drunken awesomeness on hole 16, I can't help but fucking LOVE it. My only concern is whatever twats are trying to ban the players from throwing sick gear into the crowd. What's your take on this, and do you think it will have any affect on the raucousness?
Douchebag Pete: First, it was banning the caddy races. Now the swag tossing is banned? Who's running this show? Tony Perkis? Needless to say, I hate it. But do I think it will have any affect on the raucousness? Fuck no, those booze hounds will never be stopped. Except if they ban alcohol, that would do it.
Sunday Scaries: Not to mention it's Super Bowl fucking Weekend in Phoenix, dude. Gotta have a positive effect, right?
Douchebag Pete: I would think so, but one thing worries me: I DO NOT want to see a bunch of assholes wearing football jerseys on 16 or anywhere else on the course. In general, grown men in jerseys just bothers me.
Sunday Scaries: Couldn't agree more. So alright, enough just the tip. Give me your bold predictions for the tournament.
Douchebag Pete: Final pairing on Sunday: Tiger vs Matsuyama.
Winner: Tiger. My Asian buddy Matsuyama won't be able to keep his emotions in check with Tiger staring him down all day. We're about to see some old school Tiger and it will be glorious.
Sunday Scaries: Douchebag Pete, ladies and gentleman.