Douchebag Pete's Masters Predictions

By Douchebag Pete

If any of you a-holes are saying, “Oh, DBP, cool man, provide your picks at the last minute," then go fuck yourselves. I’ll provide my picks when I damn well please. I also don’t want you degenerates losing your rent money and then come whining to me about your problems. Sorry, don’t be an idiot and don't be poor. I don’t have time for that.

Okay, now that I have that out of the way, let’s get into it. I’ll spare everyone the initial setup of an intro to Augusta and the course setup. Newsflash, The Masters is always played at Augusta. If you don’t know the course and any major changes that have been made then get off of my blog post. You don’t belong here. I’ll just lay down some reasoning behind my top four picks and we can call it a day. (I’m too lazy to write about five, deal with it).

Jordan Spieth

Sunday Scaries asked me today, “If you could trade positions in life at this moment with Spieth, McConaughey, or DiCaprio, who you choosing?” My answer was Spieth in a heartbeat. The guys a hot bro living in Texas, at the start of a promising golf career, making millions, and most likely taking down some nice Texas girls in his new mansion on the reg. What does this have to do with The Masters you ask? It has everything to do with the Masters. It means he’s got a hot cock and a bad attitude right now (side note: I was given that compliment once and I’ll never forget it). He’s coming off a win and two 2nd place finishes in his last three tournaments. On top of that, he showed last year that he can hang on this course. Spieth gets my top pick this week.

Rory McIlroy

He had a nice run in the Hot Bro bracket, but he just couldn’t hang with the tremendous hot bro talent down the stretch. At Augusta he’ll be in his element and making a serious run for the jacket. Everyone knows that it’s not "Will Rory win the career grand slam?", it’s "How soon will he do it?" I think there’s a damn good chance that it’s this year. He can be as long or longer than everyone in the field and that’ll put him in great position to hit shorter irons into these fast greens. That’s a recipe for a green jacket and why he gets my second pick.

Hideki Matsuyama

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this Asian can play. A great ball striker than can hit a high ball that will stick on these greens. Also I just love to yell “HIDEKI!!!” He gets my third pick.

(Editor's Note: Not sure why DBP is ignoring this but both his and my phone autocorrects "Hideki" to "HIDEKI" when we type it.)

Tiger Woods

OH NO HE DIDN’T. Get the fuck out of here if you didn’t think DBP was putting Tiger on his list of picks. “DBP, you’re an idiot, he hasn’t played in weeks and he sucks now.” You’re all idiots. This is fucking Tiger Woods. I love this new cocky jokester style he’s going for right now, I think it’s the right mindset. And I love that he’s playing the par 3 tournament for the first time since 2004. Look at the picture at the top. That’s ’04 in his hay day, just acing par 3’s and celebrating while fully torqued. Tiger gets my fourth and final pick.

I hate writing conclusions so don’t expect one here. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the beauty of Augusta this weekend. Then on Monday I’ll upload a pic of me swimming in money after my picks take me to victory. Hey Sunday Scaries - Yacht Week, here we come!