I don’t trust girls who do the whole “I don’t have girlfriends because girls cause draaamma” game. If you find yourself in the middle of drama every time you hang out with another set of ovaries you need to take a good hard look in the mirror and recognize that the problem is you, sugar. I’m not saying a girl needs to have an entire Babysitter’s Club worth of friends, but if you don’t have one or two bitches you brunch with on the semi-reg, I’m suspicious.
As an equal opportunity offender when it comes to friending sons and skirts alike I have run into the “So tell me about so-and-so” from both my girlfriends about my bros, and vice-versa. Thing is, almost every single one of them falls into a specific category and it’s really obvious what the other person is in for if they decide to take a swing.
I’m gonna break down the core four for you fellas out there so next time you ask me what Krissy is like (which if you didn’t get it all from her name GTFO and do some homework before you come at me with your stupid questions) you have a little bit of insight prior to me laying the truth bombs on you.
The Baby Of The Group
Whether she’s actually the youngest or just has the mentality of a freshly 21-year-old I am fiercely protective of the Baby Spice to my Ginger. I also am pretty much opposed to her dating because I believe in being single in your 20s. But on the off chance you do decide to rob the cradle here’s what you’re in for.
If you date young you need to be ready for some serious disconnects not only reference-wise but also in communication. The youngin’s require CONSTANT talking, texting, and being “in touch”. A 25-year-old isn’t going to lose sleep if you don’t text her back about what she just watched on Travel channel because she realizes you are an interesting adult with other things in your life besides the need to text her back about what Anthony Bourdain just ate. A 21-year-old will see it as a slap in the face and you’re going to get a whole lot of “K” in response when you peel yourself away from whatever ball you were watching being thrown around.
The other thing about young pups is they don’t really know what they like or want yet. They’re indecisive and unclear about pretty much everything that isn’t who their favorite One Direction member is. (Niall. Duh.) She’s never going to have an opinion about where to go to dinner and she is absolutely going to be my all-time favorite term when it comes to girls in the sack: a pillow princess.
Give her a few more years with yours truly and then step up to bat. You’ll thank me later for the things I teach her.
Bang-ability: 3/10 (Say it with me: I deserve more than a pillow princess.)
Crazy Chance: 7/10 (I fully believe a girl’s hormones don’t calm down until at least 24. And even then…)
The Daddy’s Girl
Also known as the rich friend. Also known as the “has an AmEx black card but only for emergencies.” But don’t try to tell her that the Nordstrom Annual Sale doesn’t qualify as an emergency.
Dating the girl with family money is kind of a crapshoot. She’s either chill as hell and doesn’t really care about her ability to buy a new car with a check or she wouldn’t be caught dead in a restaurant that listed “unlimited breadsticks” as a perk. I like having rich friends for the pleasure of taking them to dive bars and watching them panic when they realize their Prada boots are sticking to the floor. I also like feeding them hot dogs when they’re mid-blackout. We’re all peasants after nine shots of tequila, every last one of us.
If you get with a rich girl you’ll get to have some fun for a while. Country clubs, amazing weddings, and vacations where the ‘rents still foot the bill even though you both have grownup jobs. But then one day you accidentally spill wine on her ~favorite~ Alice and Olivia party dress and all hell breaks loose. Rich girls have zero chill because they’ve never had to. The can AFFORD not to. So if you can get down and go down on high-maintenance have at it. But if you can’t you need to get out before she order another $$$ glass of wine.
Bang-ability: 8/10 (Everything feels better on 800 thread count sheets.)
Date-ability: 5/10 (It all depends on what kind of loaded girl she is. You’ve got a 50/50 shot.)
Crazy Chance: 8/10 (With great bank accounts come great need to shriek about unimportant things.)
The “I Don’t Know Why I’m Single” Girl
Note: There is an INCREDIBLE difference between the girl who is constantly all “I’m pretty and funny why don’t I have a boyfriend WAHHHHH” and a girl who chooses to be single.
“I have a good job, I have an NFL jersey, I only eat carbs on Sundays. Why the eff am I single?!”
I know why she’s single. There is something about this girl and it’s not something you want to put a ring on. Maybe it’s because she’s a commitment-phobe and the only thing she’s ever fully dedicated herself to is a Netflix account. Maybe she tries too hard and comes across as more desperate than Aaron Carter did when he blatantly tweeted about Hilary Duff. Maybe she never gets laid and is scared of being naked.
Either way if you get with a girl who’s never really been in a relationship you’re going to, shocker(!!!), have to teach her how to be in a relationship. She’s probably going to be incredibly co-dependent and very insecure for the first 90 or so days into this thing. Patience is the key with this one. Think of her like a baby deer or a bartender on a Friday night – you need to let her come to you.
Bang-ability: 7/10 (Unless she’s the one who’s afraid of being naked she’s going to be so excited to having regular sex again she’s going to want to do it all the time. Congrats. Buy some lube.)
Date-ability: 5/10 (I’m sensing a pattern of me being like “Eh? Maybe?” I’m just going to roll with it.)
Crazy Chance: 5/10 (It depends on how well she adjusts to being a couple. Again: patience.)
The Bad Girl
Every girl group has one. She’s the one rocking three-day-old eyeliner and has at least one story involved a semi-famous musician. She probably steals things or smokes Marlboro Reds when she’s drunk and absolutely has at least been questioned by the cops, no necessarily booked.
Every girl group needs a Bad Girl because every girl group needs a scapegoat. Girls are usually so non-confrontational and scared of looking like something other than a “lady” that they need one chick who just doesn’t give a fuck to take the fall for them. Asshole won’t stop following you around the bar? Bad Girl will kick him in the shins. Jaclyn’s being a bitch but no one wants to say something? Bad Girl will call her out, potentially make her cry, but get everything out into the open. You forgot your wallet but you already ordered drinks? Bad Girl will distract the bartender so you can drink and dash.
Bad Girls are not for dating until they become reformed bad girls. Once they’re reformed they become just girls with stories, and you can have at them. But you don’t want to be peeling your girlfriend off of a stranger’s couch on a Tuesday and if you date a BG you run that risk.
Don’t date a bad girl. Bang a bad girl and set her free. Then keep her number and call her three years down the road when she actually has health insurance and isn’t stealing her little brother’s Adderall anymore.
Bang-ability: 9/10 (You want that story, trust me.)
Date-ability: 1/10 (You don’t want those stories, trust me.)
Crazy Chance: 7/10 (I think what we’ve learned from this is my friends are crazy. Plz send help.)