In Defense of Craft Beer

By Shmorey Shmallen

"You're drinking a Bud Light? Lol. Might as well piss in a cup and drink it. Might taste better." - some dickhead at a bar near you.

Everyone has been at the bar and had this encounter. Some guy in slim straight jeans (skinny jeans were last year) and chukka boots passive aggressively makes fun of you after you place your order. Fuck that guy. He thinks he's better than you because he's drinking a beer that isn't yellow in color and doesn't contain the word "light" in it. Everyone hates this guy. And in turn, it has lead the backlash on the world of craft beer. 

Well I'm here to tell you that not everyone that drinks craft is a pretentious dick, with the key word being pretentious. Some people just enjoy the variety, the taste, and the fact it gets you feeling good after three as opposed to after six like most light beers. So let's ignore the fact that mutants drink craft beer and look at the positives.

The Variety

Let's not kid ourselves... for the most part Miller Lite and Bud Light taste the same (notice I'm ignoring Coors Light, it's because it tastes like stale bread). Don't get me wrong, when I go to the bar for a crowded happy hour or at night, I drink Bud Light. No one wants to be that dickhead that asks the bartender at a crowded bar how the hops are or how the ABV is in one beer. But when you're pregaming at your apartment, bringing beer to a house party (Secret Santa or Friendsgiving, if you're yuppy and white), or just enjoying your own beer in the comfort of your home on a Tuesday, then craft beer is a great option. The beers that are produced per season fit the mood, so if it's summer you have a refreshing beer and if it's fall you have a beer that is a bit heavier and warms you up. Either way, these beers all feature different ingredients that fit the season and you can find anything that fits your pallet. 

The Effect

This makes almost too much sense, but people still don't seem to get it. Craft beer has a higher ABV (alcohol content for simpletons) than your average light beer, ipso facto you get drunker off of less. That should really explain the appeal of craft beer. For the amount you spend on shitty beer, at least if you're drinking at home, you can spend the same amount on something that tastes better and gets you feeling better. It's the same as taking drugs (if you're into that) that are stronger. If you could spend the same amount on drugs that you have less of but kick in faster, why not do that? Use your brain.

The Brewers Themselves

People that drink craft beer get an unfair label. About two or three years ago, it was bros who enjoyed beer but enjoyed the two factors I mentioned above. Now, it is legitimately a dungeons and dragons convention. The hipsters have gotten ahold of it and led the backlash we see today. BUT. If you really look at the people behind the craft beer movement, you'll find people like yourself. It's not the hipster "Johnny Come Lately's" who think they're ahead of the curve (they're behind the curve to be honest). The guys that run Montauk Brewing Company are just surfing bros from Long Island that enjoy beer. Sam from Dogfish Head is just a quirky bro who loves beer. Jim Koch from Boston Beer (Sam Adams, idiots) is the bro of bros. My point is this: the guys that are at the forefront of the craft beer movement are just like you and me. 

The craft beer movement has been soured by weirdos who claim to be ahead of the curve and who reject the "popular" beer. The reality is that these weirdos are behind the curve and the movement is actually lead by bros. It tastes good, it's a better investment taste wise (unless you enjoy Bud and Miller Light, in which case do you), and it's basically bros sponsoring bros.