My internet girlfriend, Amelia from Man Repeller (See here, or here), took the liberty of uninviting us to every event of the upcoming wedding season. But I mean, hold up, Lil' Mama — Daddy may wanna hit up some of these shindigs. First of all, I crush weddings. Also, my summer is wiiiiiiiide open outside of the occasional regatta party and round of golf. And most importantly, ya boy is down to clown at all times, especially when it comes to nuptials. I think Amelia and I need to talk through this shit before she just takes all my +1 plans for the summer and tosses those fuckers out the window.
As always, the original article is in italics.
"Save The Date" by Amelia
Dear Friends, Family and Loved Ones,
I am thrilled and excited to announce the following dates that I will be unable to attend whatever event it is that you’re planning to blindside me with in the form of expensive cardstock and cheeky font.
The weekend of June 6 is not looking great for your bridal shower. I know I wasn’t technically invited to it yet, but I heard you speaking about it to Tammy and you’ve been commenting on a lot of my photos lately, so consider this my polite preemptive strike before you ask. The thing is, I have a lot of errands I’ll be needing to run — dry cleaning, making a grocery list I’ll never abide by, learning how to floss, wandering around the street aimlessly — and I’m just worried the timing on this one isn’t what’s best for me.
W-w-w-w-wait. That's THIS weekend. Do I have Saturday plans to go to the Lilac Festival on Mackinac Island where I'll be facing Miami Vices and stealing bikes late night? Yeah. Can I make some calls to cancel said plans in order to enjoy the free bromosas at this bridal shower while all the broads ooooo and ahhhhh over panware? Yeah. Ain't no Lilac Festival gonna harsh my mellow. I don't care if we make a brief appearance or stay until someone has to drive us home. I'm going to that bridal shower.
The weekend of June 27th doesn’t quite work either as far as your actual wedding goes, and I cordially invite you to reconsider. It’s not that I don’t want to attend the celebration between you and your soulmate. I totally do. Your soulmate has hot friends and I’m not one to turn down a dance floor with an open bar. That said, June 27th falls on the weekend prior to July 4th, and I was kind of hoping to have a few days in my apartment to just hang out with my cat before leaving on vacation.
See, Amelia! We're looking at weddings through the same pair of expensive shades! Once you look at a wedding as the union of a dance floor and an open bar (and not two people we "care" about), it's a slippery slope that will end with us making silly faces in a photo booth while you say, "I'm so glad you made me come to this!" You're coming around to this idea and you don't even realize it. I'm in yo head, girl. Enjoy the ride. Just quit talking about the "hot friends" at your friend's wedding. I'm standing right here.
The weekend of July 4th …Speaking of vacation: I am happy to announce that July 4th is the same day, every year, so going forward, in general, whatever it is you’re creating a Paperless Post for, I can’t come. Yes, yes, I understand venues are cheaper. But flights are not. You don’t mind moving your monumental birthday to the following weekend, right?
Alright, you're right. Fuck weddings over Independence Day. Last year, I maaaay have blacked out because I played a drinking game against a former Notre Dame football player who outweighed me by a cool 80 lbs and 7 inches. I can't justifiably turn down doing that again this year. After all, isn't blacking out in a pair of American Flag Chubbies with Division I football players what Independence Day is all about?
The weekend of July 26 It’s an honor and a privilege to inform you that I am busy from Friday evening until Sunday around bedtime. Actually, perhaps a better phrase to use is that I’ll be “indisposed,” as I plan on taking a bath here or there and sending a few text messages. But really, I’m free as a bird. I just don’t feel like packing or taking a bus.
I do have a regatta party on the docket for that weekend, but that's not going to stop me from trying to move some things around to accommodate the fuck out of blowin' up some potential nups (short for "nuptials", just go with me on this one because everyone will be saying it in 2015).
I also will need to watch the PGA Championship over the second weekend in August, but fuck it. I'm bougie as hell and nothing screams "bougie" quite like tippin' back double voddy-sodas at country club weddings while screaming at professional golfers.
(And Amelia, my friends read Sunday Scaries and Man Repeller. Please don't talk about taking the bus in front of them. It's unbecoming and they're suuuper judgy.)
The month of August in general Eee…yeah…the whole month is just…I have a wax appointment and…hey look over there! Tea lights!
Amelia, no no no no no no no. While I respect the upkeep of your bodily temple, I cannot respect your lack of zest right now. I've been working on my kneecap-to-high-thigh tan for the last month and no one's (I repeat, NO ONE's) ho-hum attitude is not going to stop me from showing it off at post-wedding Sunday brunches.
Sidebar: I'm not saying I'm unavailable over the first weekend of August because of a Kid Rock concert in Detroit, but I'm pretttttty pretty sure that I'll be unavailable the first weekend of August because of a Kid Rock concert in The D. I'm not one to turn down $5 Badass Beers so lets just make this easy on both of us and resolve ourselves to the fact that I will be MIA August 1-3. If anyone is looking for me, I'll be stumbling somewhere between (Amelia — earmuffs) Comerica Park, Bazouki's Strip Club, and the Greektown Casino.
As for the rest of August? WIDE OPEN. Someone alert the crime police because I'm about to go on a spree.
Labor Day Weekend It with great pride and joy that I invite you leave me alone on the last weekend of summer. If you could refrain from celebrating any and all nuptials, vow renewals, bachelorettes, themed “girl nights,” bat mitzvahs, bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras, “big three-ohs” and super sweet 16s, that would be fantastic. Maybe just save those for that boring span between New Years and April. I’m wide open then. For now. I’ll have to check my datebook and get back to you.
Kindly consider this my RSVP.
I was actually totally onboard with this until I read "quinceañeras". And to be completely honest, I don't even know if anyone can whole-heartedly say that they don't want at least test the quinceañera water (or "agua," as the Mexicans say). While I do think it's selfish for people to schedule events over everyone else's three-day weekends, I've never been to most of the events you listed. How am I supposed to know if I'm good at attending these functions if I've never even been to one? Can't hit a homerun if you never swing the bat.
That being said, I do have a wedding on November 1st in Chicago and am currently taking applications for the position "Plus-1 Smokeshow Sidepiece". Apply below.