Anti-Scaries Guide: Contemporary Reggae Edition

Step 1: Cue up my Contemporary Reggae Spotify Playlist

This. Shit. Is. Hot. Fire. Nothing makes me want to chill the most more than some Contemporary Reggae music. I mean, this shit has seven subscribers. SEVEN. Could seven whole people possibly be wrong about how electric this playlist is? Some highlights:

"Born To Win" by Jimmy Cliff: Quite possibly the most underrated Contemporary Reggae song in the game, especially if you're hungover. I mean, it's just Jimmy Cliff repeatedly saying, "I was born to win." It's an ode to just being the fuckin' man.

"Here Comes the Hotstepper" by Ina Kamoze: The second Ina says, "HIT IT!" in the beginning, I go from being Bernie to Captain fuckin' Ron.

"Under Me Sensi" by Barrington Levy: The  name of the CD is Bong Hits - does it get any more Contemporary Reggae than that? I Google'd the lyrics because I can't understand half of the song and they still don't make fucking sense. Here, see for yourself. Seriously, what the HELL does "Mi say dem come in and dem lookin' pon di dread" mean? Next level ebonics. PS. How sketchy is every lyrics website on the planet?

"Sweat" by Inner Circle: I think we can all agree that this song is about buttholes, right?

"Time Tough" by Toots & The Maytals: Because when you're hungover AF, times are fuckin' tough. 

(Pro tip: Don't have Spotify? Just roll with the Contemporary Reggae Pandora station. And if you don't have Pandora, then just go crawl back under the rock that you came from.)


Step 2: Put on a swimsuit.

How are you supposed to live the hungover Contemporary Reggae island lifestyle if you're not illin-out-maxin-all-cool in a swimsuit? You're essentially bro'ing out in your underwear but it's more socially acceptable. What do I wear, you ask? Patagonia motherfucking Baggies. 5" inseam. Breezy as hell on my dick-piece, shows of my jacked thighs, and gives me a hella dope tanline that starts about 4 solid inches above my kneecap. All for under $50. But can you really even put a price on lookin' this good?


Step 3: Make a Miami Vice.

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 of a Pina Colada
  • 1/2 of a Strawberry Daiquiri

Instructions:

  1. Whine until someone makes you both a Pina Colada and a Strawberry Daiquiri.
  2. Get a MONSTROUS glass.
  3. Pour both pre-made drinks into said MONSTROUS GLASS.
  4. Toss a rum-floater on top of that bitch.
  5. Cool the fuck out on your freshly made Miami Vice.

The above recipe is honestly the best way to get your Miami Vice on. I hit up YouTube to see if any hipster blogs got wind of this recipe and sure enough, I think us WASPy white dudes are still the only bougie motherfuckers drinking these bad mamma-jammas. But, what I did find was this video. All I can say about this video is DON'T follow their recipe for a Miami Vice, but DO live everyday of your life like you're Giovanni, the Margarita King. I like this guy's style so much that I took 30 seconds out of my life to make a GIFs of him pouring his margarita mix. Giovanni is redefining the craft cocktail game one heavy pour after another.

margarita-king

You: "What if I want to pour the mix into a shaker instead of a martini glass?"

Giovanni: "Jajajajajajaja!"

You: "Giovanni, what do you do with your junk after you bang my girlfriend?"

Giovanni: "SHAKE IT WITH PASSION!"

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I feel like I don't need to say it but I'll say it anyway - it's Giovanni's world and we're all just living in it.


Step 4: Take an island-inspired cinematic adventure.

Fool's Gold: McConaughey hunting for treasure while Kate Hudson devastates bikini after bikini? Uhhhh yeah, I think I can watch that.

Marley: First and foremost, #ContemporaryReggae. Secondly, it's a documentary so you can act like an intellectual even though you just spent the last three days shoving Miller Lites down your throat. Third, you actually do learn shit. Did you know Bob Marley is half fucking white? Seriously. Blew my mind too. Finally, it's on Netflix for free. And by free, I mean that I use my mom's password and refuse to let her cancel her account.

Captain Ron: Next to The Condemned, Captain Ron is one of my favorite hangover movies. Kurt Russell? Martin Short? Done and done. Plus, my friend's mom banged Kurt Russell in high school which is just so boss.

Couples Retreat: Beyond underrated. Vince Vaughn, Jason Bateman, and Jon Favreau just collaborating their faces off in a mindless comedy set in paradise. And if I had to do a Marry-Fuck-Kill with the female leads, I'm going to marry Kristen Bell (real-life Red Wings fan, hard body), fuck Malin Akerman (ya boy is sneeeaky into the show Trophy Wife right now), and kill Kristin Davis (she's a total Marnie).

The Beach: If this movie ended before the weird video game scene, it is one of the greatest movies ever made. I was 13 when it came out and I spent countless hours trying to make my hair look like Leo's just thinking I'd be able to land a broad as hot as Francoise


Step 5: Fuck it, smoke weed.

Alright, alright, hear me out. I know hot bros don't smoke weed but this totally fits the bill. Everyone has their stoner friend who preaches this constantly. Plus, it's 2014. I'm not saying I smoke weed or that anyone should, but get with the times. I heard someone say "pussy" on TV the other day. 10 years ago, the most risque thing on television was MTV Spring Break.

Here's why this is allowed to be a viable option for you:

  1. You think Bob Marley is going to take your attempt at a #ContemporaryReggae lifestyle seriously if you're not entertaining the thought of chiefing on some sticky-icky? Child, please.
  2. It's a known fact that weed actually does help hangovers. This is obviously all hearsay and I've never tried this juvenile method of curing a hangover. (PSYCHE!)
  3. If you do this once a year, you're fine. If you do this once a weekend, you probably own Grandma's Boy on DVD and are really good at justifying the practicality of your cargo pockets.