Happy Weekend, Fuckers. It’s been a real week, lemme tell you. And your girl deserves a drink.
Did you know I used to be a bartender? It’s true. Before I was trolloping around on various websites talking about one-night-stands and my inability to get a boyfriend, I spent some time slinging cocktails. I made a lot of tips and only pushed a girl who was trying to Coyote Ugly it off of the bar once – she deserved it. I also served John Cusack, true story. Get a couple beermosas (don’t worry we’ll get there) in me and I’ll tell you all about it.
There’s something that feels just cool about being a girl who knows how to make a cocktail. I will never be the girl who’s all “Sangria is just fruit in wine, right? LOL.” I’m the girl teaching you how to light shots of 451 on fire and open a beer with a piece of paper.
Before I break down the drinks for each day of this weekend menu please make sure you have the appropriate tools for the job. No at-home-bar is complete without:
- A Shaker
- Ice (I see that face OMB, you’d be surprised)
There are other fancier tools you could get, but you can pretty much improvise with a spoon nine times out of ten if you don’t want everything else. Those three though are not negotiable. Get yourself to Target and then come back when you’re a real drinking grownup.
Friday Night: A Golden Delicious
Friday nights are for making some decisions you wouldn’t normally make given that you have a full 48 hours to recover if need be. This is a twist on a Washington Red Apple but simpler since most of us don’t have a drink gun with cranberry juice hooked up to our fridge. And I don’t know about you but “splash of cran” just isn’t the same to me when it isn’t coming from a sticky keg underneath a bar and at the touch of button.
- Crown Royal
- Pineapple Juice
- Combine equal parts Crown and Pineapple Juice to a shaker full of ice.
- Add a splash of Sprite. (Probably because Murph is at your house. Hey dude.)
- Shake until it starts to get frothy.
- Serve and shoot.
- Repeat until the first girl wearing heels she can’t *quite* walk in says “I have to pee!”
Saturday Afternoon: A Beermosa
There is nothing I love more than drinking in the afternoon. The trick with drinking early is keeping it light enough that you don’t pass out by seven, which borders on just going to bed, and finding cocktails that don’t feel like you’re just drinking some juice with your toast. I’m all for a breakfast cocktail – there are few things in life better than a well-made mimosa. But eventually when it stops being “early” and becomes “midday” you have to switch it up or you’re heading to a sugar hangover and those are gnarly.
- Belgian Wheat-Style Beer (Think Hefes, Blue Moon etc. Use Bud Light or Rainier and this becomes the Beermosa’s ratchet cousin: The Brass Monkey.)
- Orange Juice
- Some sort of garnish. Options include mint, fatty orange slices, or just a straw because you’re busy.
- Add around a ¼ to a ½ cup of OJ to a pint glass depending on how fruity you want this bad boy to be.
- Top with beer. And pour it like an adult; don’t just dump it in there. (Editor's note: that's what she said.)
- Garnish with whatever feels right.
- Go play on a lawn, go watch TV, go do whatever feels like the best activity for getting sloppy while the sun is up.
Sunday Brunch: A Sriracha Bloody Mary
It’s the end of the weekend and you’re shaking like a leaf from dehydration and a case of the Scaries at this point. Get yourself some Vitamin-C and a fried egg sandwich to take the edge off, yo. Make yourself the king of the brunch beverages: the Bloody Mary. Also let’s just acknowledge that if it isn’t spicy it isn’t worth it. And if you’re still too hungover to think about food a Bloody Mary is just breakfast in a cup. Two birds, one stone.
- Bloody Mary Mix – Zing Zang makes a baller one if you are lazy. Which, since you’re hungover, you probably are.
- Celery Salt
- Liquid Smoke
- Lemon Wedges, Bacon, Pickles, basically whatever you want to stick in there. (Editor's note: that's what she said.)
- To a shaker full of ice add around ¾ of a pint glass of mix, a dash of liquid smoke, the juice of half of a lime, around a tablespoon of Sriracha, and about two shots of vodka. Never said this was science, I am the Rachel Ray of cocktails.
- Shake it up. I believe in shaking over ice especially when using a mix because they’re thick. Cue the “thick” jokes. (Editor's Note: Taking this one off. It's not as much fun when you know it's coming. That's what she said. Nailed it.)
- Rim your glass with celery salt. Cue the rim jokes.
- Add more ice cubes to your glass and serve that shit cold with whatever fuckery you add to make it “cool”.
- Drink as many as you need to put yourself into a much needed weekend nap.
- Wake up Monday and think about think about how you have just five days to repeat this cycle all over again.