Christmas Shopping For The First Lady

Reader submission by @ShmoreyShmallen.

If you are reading this, you are most likely a bro. And if you are bro you are most likely locked down, whether you'd like to admit it or not, with a significant other. And if you are locked down, you know that we are just a few short weeks away from the holiday season. And with holiday season comes one of the most pressured packed decisions of the year: what to buy your first lady (or first dude, we don't judge here). 

For those of you that are veterans of the gift giving game, this is nothing more than a training camp-esque refresher. Think of it as if you're Dan Marino in the late 90's and you're watching game film. If you're new to this the knowledge we're about to drop could LITERALLY save your life, and you'll thank us later. Think of this as an anecdote to the dog house. 

There was an episode of Family Matters where Carl bought his wife a workout trampoline.

ASK HER FRIENDS. Let's be honest, there's a slim fucking chance you know anything about woman's jewelry. If you do, honestly good for you. You're a savant and have an advantage over the rest of us. For the rest of the schmucks, no one knows your girls' tastes like her friends (college roommates especially). They have spent hours picking apart each others outfits, passive aggressively saying to each other "what else could you wear", and sprinting in and out of each other's bedrooms half naked while trying to decide which outfits look best. They know. So if you're buying jewelry or anything fashion related, which you should, ask for her friends' suggestions or opinions on something you picked out yourself. They WILL steer you in the right direction.

WHATEVER AMOUNT YOU AGREED TO SPEND ON EACH OTHER, SPEND MORE. This is actually pretty simple, but men are idiots. You know it. I know it. We all know it. So don't be an idiot. If you and the wifey agree to spend X amount of dollars on each other, you go over. Don't double it but if you agree to spend $250, you spend $300. Even if you didn't agree on a set dollar amount, spend more than you originally planned. A wise man once said "better to be safe than sorry", and the last thing you want is her saying "I know we said we'd spend X, but I couldn't help myself" while you sit there with your dick in your hand knowing you spent either the exact amount or less. So don't be that guy. Cover your bases. 

MULTIPLE GIFTS. Don't blow your load in one shot. An assortment of gifts is the way to go, and the way to hit multiple angles. Typically the rundown goes as follows: expensive gift like jewelry or Uggs for the most basic of bitches, and then two smaller, sentimental gifts. The expensive gift is nice and where you show you're not a deadbeat, but the smaller gifts are where you show your first lady how much you know her/earn brownie points. An example would be a Frozen DVD (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED THIS YEAR) and a picture frame with a pic of you and wifey together. You make a gift basket including presents like these and you might as well be Giancarlo Stanton signing his contract (minus the fact that he's set for 13 years and you're set for maybe 13 days, but I digress). 

DO NOT GET HER A "PRACTICAL" GIFT. I honestly can't even think of an example of a practical gift in 2014 that you would buy your significant other but I'm also not a complete schmuck, depending on your definition. But there was an episode of Family Matters where Carl bought his wife a workout trampoline. Don't be that asshole. Jewelry and sentimental, that's your wheelhouse. Stray from that and may god have mercy on your soul.  

So there you have it. Simple (to most) and easy to follow. A four step process to keep you out of the doghouse and on her good side. Unfortunately all the good will you built up with undoubtedly end on January 1st after she is unhappy with your New Years Eve behavior, but at least you bought yourself a week right?