By Old Man Body
I’m here today to talk about something we all dread: The Slump. Why? It’s the perfect time of year. I’m convinced girls go underground during March because guys are only paying attention to basketball or getting their bodies right for bikini season. If you missed out on Cuffing Season or dumped your significant other before the holidays, chances are you’re going to fall into a slump. You go to the bar and nothing works. Girls won’t give you the time of day, you can’t wheel a phone number to save your life or you’re getting stopped at the door with the ominous “I had a great time tonight, but...” Trust me, we’ve all been there. However, that doesn’t mean you have to suffer permanently through a slump like you cheer for the Lions or the Cubs.
Editor's Note: Go fuck yourself with that Lions reference. Still can't believe they picked up that flag.
Go to Ground
The key step to slump busting is to first get out of the game all together. Sure, it’s tempting to keep going on shitty dates and hit on people at the bar, but what makes you think you’re about to be successful when it’s clearly not working? Take a page from Tiger’s book and pull out to get your mind right for a bit. I’m not saying to go read some self-help books and cry yourself to sleep, but take a weekend off or go out and just drink to get plowed instead of plowing the Back 40.
Climb Up in the Trust Tree
Most of the time, slumps are just a nature of the beast. You missed out on Cuffing Season or live in an area that’s just not great for meeting people of the opposite sex. Those are understandable. But that still doesn’t stop from hitting up my Lion Whisperer when the going gets rough to reassure me that I’m not complete asshole when I’m drunk. Some of you savages might have a flaw or two that can get corrected with a little coaching so be willing to accept some criticism. Trust me, you think I’ve given up dipping at the bar in front of girls?
Better Call Saul
If you have decent friends like me, eventually making fun of you for being in a slump will wear off and they’ll actually be genuinely concerned. They’ve been in the same boat and know how much it sucks. Great friends will go so far to set you up, even from long distance. During a bad slump in the very rural area I used to live, a friend actually introduced me to a girl he went to high school with that lived close by who ended up becoming my Summer Girlfriend. OMB ain’t too proud to beg.
Everyone’s a 10 at 2
A great man once told me that sometimes you have to “lower your standards to raise your average.” He wasn’t wrong. I’m not saying go out on the prowl to find the grossest person in the bar, but talk to people you normally wouldn’t. Sometimes you get in slumps so deep that you can’t even talk to a chick at the bar. You have to get your pitch count up. The more pitches you see, the better shot you have at sending the next one over the left field wall. Buy a round of Fireball for that group of girls who keep looking at how great your hair is. Wheel a phone number or three from someone you’d normally tell that you left your phone at home. Worst case scenario they see the Gadsden Flag hanging in the Panic Room the next morning, and by worst case scenario, you’ve busted the slump. Congrats; now it’s time to get back to being a Hot Bro.