Apply Now: Hibernation Girlfriend

By Sunday Scaries

This is what I woke up to this morning:

Yeah, my way of checking the weather is taking a Snapchat selfie in bed and tossing the temperature filter on that bitch. Now, I'm not one to complain about the cold. After all, I'm from Michigan and while I may be in a constant state of bitter cold, I refuse to stoop to the levels of New Yorkers in complaining about every weather pattern that passes through.

(Side Note: I am a temperature truther. I have a theory that weather apps accentuate the temperature in an effort to bait people into screenshotting it and posting it on social media to increase their exposure.)

But even though I refuse to complain about the cold, this doesn't mean I'm not sick of it. Winter is great from first snow until January 1st. After that? Nappenin'. Everyone gets tired of layering, we've all exhausted our winter Instagrams, and going out becomes more of a burden than a blessing. Which is why I need a Hibernation Girlfriend.

At this point I'm like 80-90% sure that Amelia and I have broken up, so in the same fashion as the girls seeking Fall Boyfriends, I'm officially turning to the general public in an attempt to crowdsource a girlfriend until Masters Sunday.


Hibernation Girlfriend Application

18+ only
Are you above an 8?
My hair most resembles...
Do you get riled up over bros that look like Jason Sudeikis?
Please note: I look like Jason Sudeikis.
Select One:
What passwords are you currently in possession of?
Check all that apply.
Male/Female, Age, Breed, Temperament
Are you okay with me having attachment issues with your dog?
Are you available for a wedding on June 6, 2015?
Please note: I am in the wedding.