Anatomy of The Slut Bag

By Kendra

Before we get any further let’s get over the scantily clad elephant in the room. I use the word “slut” very affectionately; often to describe myself. I love the word. I think if calling someone “fucker” can be a term of endearment a little “slut” never hurt nobody. If you don’t like being called one I won’t call you that. It’s that simple. But I’m talking about myself and I can call myself whatever I damn well choose. So now let’s continue.

I’m sure you’re thinking “Kendra, what’s a slut-bag?” Well lemme tell you. A slut-bag is like a purse but full of surprises. A slut-bag is what you pack preemptively the night before you get wrecked because you never know what you’re going to need. A slut-bag can save your ass in a variety of messy situations.

A slut-bag is a true slut’s survival kit. Think like a Boy Scout pack minus the badges and fire starting kit but plus some makeup and a whole lot of hand sanitizer.

If you’ve ever found yourself trudging home in stolen boxers, heels in hand with your face on sideways just know that that humiliation of being seen looking like the little girl from The Grudge could have been avoided had you toted along a properly equipped slut-bag. Also get Uber, girl! The Uber of Shame is the new Walk of Shame. The drivers know it, we know it: it’s fine.

So without further ado let’s put together an A+ slut-bag so you can party away on Friday night and not fret about how you’re going to find your Saturday morning. You’ll be ready.

The Bag

A proper slut-bag can be of any shape and size but must have two crucial components: pockets and a cross body strap. You don’t want to actually CARRY your bag with all of your treasures. That’s bad for your back and is going to be a nightmare if/when you’re hungover. The pockets are necessary for keeping all of your accouterments tucked away and hidden from prying eyes. Because you’re a LADY and it’s none of their business.

For Your Face/Hair

You may have a great rack, you might have legs for days, but we all know that the face is the money maker. Do you really want to walk around terrified of looking in a mirror? No. No you don’t. None of us “Woke Up Like This.” Not a one. So get yourself:

Pocket sized makeup wipes: For wiping the night off of you the next morning and also taking care of anything you’ve sweated into a runny mess from dancing.

Travel sized mascara: Wanna look more awake than you are because you left your sunglasses on your counter? Thought so.

A thing of concealer: Let’s be real it’s just good sense.

A pink tinted lip balm: Good for swollen, “I’ve been making out like a teenager in a movie theater” lips and can also double as blush.

That is honestly all you need. These girls who have fucking lip liner and body glitter in their bags are annoying, hog the mirrors, and also are just asking to have a damn glitter graveyard all over the bottom of their purse. Those above four things will take you from one of the members ofThe Hills Have Eyes to brunch ready in five minutes. For your hair all you need is some bobby pins and a hair tie. Please, we all went to camp we can messy bun it in our sleep at this point.

For the Body

My Grandma instilled a deep love of the travel section of drugstores in me. Let’s all thank Francis for a second because now that I’ve been caught sleeping at strangers once or twice (or maybe more…sorry Grandma) I’m so glad she taught me all about the wonders of tiny things. You should have:

A tiny deodorant: Don’t think you stink? You’re wrong.

A tiny toothbrush: Again. You have morning/after bar breath. Fix yo’self. Everyone has toothpaste that you can jack, not a toothbrush though. Take care of your teeth your parents paid a lot of money for orthodontia.

Miscellaneous Slut Things

All right. Now to the fun part. You were probably thinking “Kendra, this is reading like a Cosmo How To. Where’s the slut-tastic-ness!” I was trying to prove that I can be a classy broad and not just the mess you caught stealing cherries from behind the bar last night. But okay, I’ll give you what you want.

It’s right here. Remember when I said pockets? Here’s what you’re hiding:

Condoms: Do not be that girl. He’s going to try and not wrap it up and you’ll be ready. And for good measure carry a regular and a Magnum. I once had a guy be all “Sorry babe that won’t fit,” thinking that I would be like “Damn! Let’s just bareback it then STUD.” But PSYCH. I was ready. He was disappointed. Be a Boy Scout. Be prepared.

A pair of panties: Self-explanatory. Are you really going to want to hike all the way back to your apartment when you’ve already taken care of your face and your body and you could just head towards a Bloody Mary and a fried egg sandwich? No. No you’re not. This way you can stash the others in the purse until brunch is over and you’re fresh as a daisy.

A hidden twenty: You will lose your debit card or wallet when you least expect it. You don’t want to be completely stranded and helpless outside of an apartment you’ve never seen before. Hide a little bit of cash in there so you can get your ass home. If you’re going to be a slut you need to take care of yourself.)

A phone charger: Invest in a portable charger so even if he has a Droid because “Fuck Apple!!” You can charge your pretty gold iPhone all hope is not lost.

Of course we never *plan* to end up one-night-standing it but hey, you never know where a Friday will take you. Sometimes you’re classy and sippy $12 glasses of pinot noir, sometimes you’re downing half-priced Fireball shots and teaching the bartenders how to turn a bottle of Southern Comfort into a Molotov Cocktail; shit happens. Having a slut-bag is a just the lesson that no one learned in Girl Scouts about being ready for anything. But you’re awesome, you read this site, so now you have one.

Plus it makes you everyone’s favorite in a girl’s bathroom. Seriously. I’ve been called Mary Poppins on more than one occasion because I had just what someone needed. Just don’t share the Magnum. That’s your trick.