Disclaimer: I'm not going to pass judgement on people that watch porn. #TeamPervy is a full-time job and everyone's gotta get theirs. Not everyone can consistently #RideTheWave and I think we need to respect that.
Pornstar Mia Khalifa's journey to the top of the porn game hasn't come without some controversy: she famously overtook Lisa Ann as the "#1 Ranked Pornstar" on PornHub.com, and she's been the subject of outrage in her notoriously conservative home country of Lebanon after being labeled "a disgrace." But lets be honest, if being hated by Lebanon means that Drake will follow you on Instagram, we're all throwing middle fingers in the air to Lebanon, right?
While the porn industry is weird as fuck, what's even weirder is the sub-culture of pornstar fan boys that these chicks have. These dudes attend conventions, tweet and retweet these broads, and even go as far to pay money to be in a porn movie with them. Just like... what the fuck?
But what strikes me as the most bizarre aspect of this sub-culture is pornstar wish lists. Porn stars create Amazon wish lists that are available to the public in an attempt to get gifts from their obsessors. As previously mentioned, I saw Drake follow Mia Khalifa on Instagram only to see that her personal website was, in fact, her Amazon wish list — and the list is just peculiar.
Keurig K45 Elite Brewing System
You know, I respect the Keurig move. I've had like 60 Donut Shop Coffees since I started housesitting on Friday. Because I'm immature beyond my years, it took me until I was like 24 to figure out how to brew a pot of coffee. Now that I've got the ease of a Keurig in my life? Need to get one. And when I say "need to get one," I mean that I may co-star with Mia Khalifa in her next film so someone will buy me a Keurig off of my Amazon wish list.
Sturgeon (Black) Caviar - 2 oz. Jar
Like, really, Mia? Seems pretty audacious of you to ask for motherfucking caviar from Amazon.com. I'm not trying to sound uppity, but if you're going to have the class to enjoy caviar, you need to at least come off as understated about it. Head down to your local bodega or something. I'm sure there's a nice old man working there who'd love to help you select some. You're a tiny-yet-stacked ethnic girl — he'll probably give it to you for free. Just be self-aware for me one time and don't order your motherfucking caviar off of motherfucking Amazon.
Starbucks Gift Cards - Multipack of 5
Mia, why do you need Starbucks gift cards if you're rocking a Keurig at your place? Don't you buy the Keurig to save money in the long run? Aren't you trying to be fiscally responsible? I did my due diligence and you can get some pretty baller Keurig cartridges for under $1 per cartridge.
It's entirely possible that I'm underestimating Mia though. Maybe she's asking for these Starbucks gift cards so she can buy Starbucks Keurig cartridges for her Keurig at Starbucks. To be honest, I've never been inside of a Starbucks before, so I'm not sure if that's even possible.
Sephora Gift Card - $50
When I think of strippers, I think of cheap perfume and leathery skin. Not to be a generalizing jerk but I imagine that pornstars are probably pretty similar. What does $50 even get you at Sephora? I'm wearing $34 deodorant right now and I make pennies for a living. I'm not an expert on pornstar wages, but if you're going to be #1 on PornHub, I feel like you need to be in Hermes territory rather than bargain barrelling it at Sephora.
La Perla Begonia Lace Garter (Black)
I mean, it wouldn't be a pornstar's wish list without a black lace garter. Nothing to see here, people. Move on.
Nordstrom Gift Card - $100
I took you for more of a Forever 21 girl, but that's not because I think your style is particularly cheesy or anything. It's because you do porn.
Chanel: The Vocabulary of Style (Hardcover)
Every girl and her sorority sister have quoted Coco Chanel on their Instagram or Facebook at some point. Because Coco Chanel is considered the epicenter of class, chicks love to toss her name around like they weren't just pounding shots of $7 vodka all weekend only to wake up in the bed of the dude who texted them at 3am, "suppppp?" If you want to come off as cool rather than incredibly basic, tout Nan Kempner or something (thank me later).
Furthermore, I feel like Mia Khalifa probably pronounces "Chanel" like "Channel." Maybe this book'll do her some good.
San Pellegrino Mineral Water (Box of 12)
Okay, okay, okay. Mia, I have to ask — when your reputation started building as a pornstar, did you just Google "classy things" and litter your wish list with them? Caviar? Perfume? Nordstroms? Chanel? And now San Pellegrino?
Good-friend-of-Sunday-Scaries follower Big Al STL had a wise take on this.
Well, Al, you don't become a pornstar because of your common sense and astute decision-making.