An Ode To Nicotine

By Old Man Body

Thanks to the Surgeon General and the crazy people who are against second and sometimes third hand smoke, use of tobacco products is generally declining in the United States. This is unfortunate, because for some of us, nicotine ingestion is a key to our everyday life. Nicotine rocks. It can hold you together in high stress situations, makes sure you stay skinny (or maintain that dad body without exercise) and even keeps you regular. Some of us actually use one form of tobacco to quit another form (raises hand). Here’s the Big 3 of Tobacco Products and why they rock:

Cigars

Personally my least favorite of the Big Three but nothing screams "bougie" like puffing on a stogie out on the golf course. Have you ever seen a group of golfers smoking cigars on the course that didn’t look like they weren’t having a good time? That's what I thought. They also look classy as shit when you have a nice glass of scotch in your hand after a great dinner. Want to bond with your future father in law? Bring a box of nice cigars and a bottle of scotch over when you head there for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Unless he’s a lung cancer survivor or something like that, then maybe don’t.

Cigarettes

As a former pack a day smoker myself, I know how unhealthy they are for you. Quitting my smoking habit was one of the better life decisions I've made as an adult. I was in a bar in a state that still allows indoor smoking the other weekend and I get why everyone hates them: they make you cough, your eyes get red and you smell like an ashtray, whether you took a single puff or not. That being said, even after quitting a couple of years ago, I still LOVE me some drunk cigarettes. If I’m day drinking outside and somebody busts out a pack of grits? I’m going butt to butt the rest of the day. I bought a pack at brunch the other day and ripped a few over the course of the day. Do I still sort of feel like shit and is my voice still raspy on Tuesday? For sure, but those drunk cigarettes were the best feeling I had all day. I may or may not always have an emergency pack of Marb Light's stashed in the desk drawer of my home office. You know, for emergencies and stuff.

As for e-cigarettes? I’m against them because most people that vape or smoke e-cigs are generally losers but studies show that they immensely help people who are trying to kick a smoking habit. And they piss off the health nuts that are ruining America, which is something I can always get behind.

Dip

Chew. Dip. Spit tobacco. Whatever you want to call it, this is my personal favorite of the Big Three. It’s what helped me get away from cigarettes, even though I now have a can a day habit. I’m driving a lot for work and don’t want to go into meetings smelling like cigs so packing a lipper is the perfect answer. If you work in an office, dip is the best way to catch a buzz and power through that Excel sheet. If you’re worried about having long cut stuck in between your teeth, go to pouches, problem solved. Dip is especially great when you’re out drinking because of all of the girls that HATE cigarette smokers these days. Unless I have an absolute BOMB sized lipper in, most people can’t even tell I’m dipping until I hock a mouthful of black spit onto the floor because I couldn’t get a spitter fast enough.

“But OMB, dipping is gross.” No it’s not. Let’s run through a list of people who dip in public quick: Kyle Orton, Danny Amendola, most NFL coaches, most baseball players, all NASCAR drivers and golfers, and even all Navy SEALS. Chris Kyle put down 160 bad guys, probably all while he had a fat lip of Copenhagen in his mouth. That’s pretty awesome company to be in, if you ask me. I would, however, have you know that if you plan on bringing a girl back to your place, make sure you stash your spitters before you go out. During the week, my apartment turns into a minefield of spitter bottles and the last thing I do on Friday night before I go out or have a girl over during the week is stash all of them. I have a mental checklist of each place they could be: nightstand, kitchen counter, desk in my office, coffee table in the living and even my bathroom counter. Trust me, you can always get more spitters and if you're like me, you've went into a gas station and bought the cheapest water they have only to dump it out and use it in case of emergencies on a road trip. That's just Dip Life 101.