A Writer's Response To Herself
I wrote this little diddy over on Thought Catalog about a week ago and someone with the initials S.S. decided to come for me. But being the new kid on the block I figured this would be a good way to get to know yours truly. Over on TC some of these questions would probably lead to discussions about how life-changing Vonnegut is and about the ahhhhhmazing distillery that specializes in gin where you got your degree in Women’s Literature in college. But we do things a little differently over here on Sunday Scaries so I shot gunned a beer in preparation (No I didn’t…yes, I did) and I’m ready to talk to myself like an asshat. Who am I kidding I interview myself all the time. Just wait for my 20/20 special. It’s going to change lives.
And by the way S2: Yeah I use OkCupid. Because I’m not going to pay for dudes to send me messages asking if I’ll pee on them. I have standards.
My original words are in italics because that’s how we roll and my new words are not. ARTICLE-INCEPTION.
1. Who inspires you? Who do you aspire to be like?
My girl April Ludgate is definitely at the top of the list. She gets to be absolutely terrible to anyone and everyone, but everybody thinks she’s joking. That’s my dream. Plus she gets to go home to a fictional Chris Pratt and that absolutely wouldn’t suck.
And also Shannon Tweed. That girl has figured something out that the rest of us have not. I want her secrets…all of them.
2. What was the last book you read without skipping through anything?
Does the Time issue with Taylor Swift on the cover count? No? Okay, no.
Then honestly, How to Make Love like a Porn Star by Jenna Jameson. Because I really enjoy making strangers on public transportation wildly uncomfortable.
3. What is the weirdest scar you have and how did you get it?
I cut the side of my knee open on a screw that went rogue on my bike when I was 8. My dad panicked because my mom was at work and his little princess was bleeding all over the garage. He duct-taped frozen peas to my leg and told me to wait for my mom to come home because she would know what to do. Way to parent, dad.
4. What is the most random thing you’ve ever watched all the way through on Netflix?
I have a really terrible habit of drinking half (maybe a whole) bottle of red wine and spiraling into watching incredibly depressing documentaries. So there’s a lot and I regret every single one of them.
5. If you could trade lives with one person for an entire day who would it be and why?
Nick Kroll. Not because I want to be on The League or be an instantly appreciated comedian. Yeah, that was me subtlety bitching about the fact that people assume women aren’t funny. I care about stuff. But I would want to be Nick Kroll for 24 hours so I know what it’s like to date Amy Poehler. I bet it’s fucking awesome. We’d go get lattes, wave oh-so-gracefully at paparazzi, and take her boys to the zoo. I’d get a backstage pass to watch Amy in action while she does book readings, talk shows, and all things Poehler. I would take meticulous notes and then when I was changed back into me I would take over the comedy world and everyone would wonder where I got the secrets. I’m a girl with a plan.
6. Do you believe in ghosts?
Duh. There’s no way the Tower of London isn’t haunted. I want to find the ghost of Anne Bolyn and ask her what Henry’s appeal really was…if you catch my drift.
(Side note: Nice with the Ella Henderson, Scaries. I salute your musical tastes, sir.)
7. Shark diving, bungee jumping, or sky diving?
Shark diving. I wouldn’t even blink. The only thing I wouldn’t like about shark diving is you can’t feed them meat on a stick like you can with alligators when you go to the swamps in Florida. I like to live on the edge, yo.
8. Which would be harder for you to give up: coffee or alcohol?
Pass. I gave up coffee for a year and then I moved to Seattle. You have to drink coffee here. Our stomachs have the reverse effect – they erode from a lack of Starbucks. And I’m way nicer with a drink or three in me. So pass. PASS.
9. How did you meet your best friend?
We were in a college production of Hair together. I stared at his butt during the naked scene every time. To be fair, it’s a great butt. Very perky. Then at my 21st birthday party he came as a slutty Hedwig (Yep, my 21st was Harry Potter themed. I’m fuckin’ awesome.) and I got him drunk, he made out with everyone and fell asleep on the floor clutching a $120 Pottery Barn pillow. I hear “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” playing every time I think about our shenanigans in college. Now we share a Netflix account, a Spotify account, a phone plan, earrings, socks, and pretty much everything else. 2getha 4eva.
10. Do you have a sweet tooth or a savory tooth?
Savory. Fuck chocolate.
…I think I have to give back my girl membership for saying that.
11. What is something you’ve always wanted to try but have been too scared to?
Skinny dipping. I’m not a huge fan of swimming and I hate being cold so it would probably be a recipe for total disaster. But it feels like a rite of passage I missed the boat on. I should avoid salt water if I do it right? Salt in the bits sounds like a bad idea. Am I being dumb? I’m probably being dumb.
12. What accomplishments are you most proud of?
Probably figuring out how to open a beer without a bottle opener. I look really cool at parties.
13. If you were going to go to the movies alone, what would be the perfect film for you to watch by yourself?
Easy: For A Good Time Call… And I would quote the whole movie and no one would be there to tell me to shut my face.
14. What is your favorite Wikipedia article? (Shuddup. Everyone has one.)
It’s not an article so much as it’s Mariah Carey’s age on Wikipedia. It says “1969 or 1970”. Because that 1 year makes SUCH a difference. Whoever the “differing sources” need to get it together. We made such a big deal about Obama’s birth certificate; I want to see Mimi’s.
15. What is your favorite physical attribute about yourself?
I’m a pocket person and I dig it. I can shop in kids sections which has led to some very cool, very “aren’t these ironic” Disney t-shirts that I fake as vintage. I can wear as high of heels as I want without worrying about a dude’s perception of masculinity based on my effing Steve Maddens. And I’m instantly adorable – and humble. But seriously everyone’s always all about a tiny person. It’s pretty great.
16. Tell me about the best vacation you’ve ever taken.
I went to Vegas for the previously mentioned bestie’s 21st birthday and it was one of the most ridiculous trips I’ve ever taken. The other girl who went lost her shit and never talked to us ever again which was weird, but we were so high/drunk-on-Vegas literally nothing could bring us down.
Did you know there is a karaoke machine next to the Simon Cowell figure in the wax museum? Well there is. And if you pound two 40s before going in and then belligerently belt out Celine Dion’s “Taking Chances” it is really easy to clear out a room of 70+ people and then you have the wax museum to yourself. Not that happened, of course.
If that video ever comes out we’re both screwed.
17. Where is your favorite place to go on a weekday afternoon when you have no plans or obligations?
The True Crime section of the downtown Barnes and Noble. I read all about violent crimes, drink Americanos, and flip off anyone who tries to look down my shirt.
18. What is one of the weirdest things you used to do as a teenager?
One of my friends and I used to leave during lunch and get completely stoned, watch That 70’s Show, and eat all of her mom’s Lean Cuisines. She got to go to Art after and I had to go to Chemistry. Bunsen burners are really terrifying when you’re high. Coincidentally so are high-school chemistry teachers when you light your worksheet on fire on the Bunsen burner.
19. Gin, vodka, or tequila?
Fuck vodka, marry gin, and kill tequila. NEXT.
20. What drives you to do what you do? What motivates you?
The fact that a teenager with a camera is able to become a millionaire on YouTube makes me feel really inadequate and want to make shit happen. But I usually end up just falling into a hole of watching makeup tutorials and eating noodles with just parmesan on them all day. Being an adult is hard.
21. In your opinion, what is the best Disney movie to come out since Disney’s Golden Age?
Tangled. Flynn Rider for the win.
22. What kind of phone was your first cell phone?
The LG VX3200. It was blue, it was a flip phone, and it had the ability to record ringtones. Basically I was the coolest with my little blue phone. A lot of Avril Lavigne ringtones came out of that phone and a lot of minutes were gone over because I was texting my first boyfriend who later turned out to be gay. It was complicated. See what I did there? Yeah? Yeah? No? Okay, I’m good.
23. What did you love most about the place you grew up? What about it did you love the least?
Pros: Killer Sledding.
Cons: Pretty much everything else.
Biggest Con: Everyone who hears where I grew up does a terrible Minnesotan accent at me and expects me to laugh. No one says eh because that’s Canada, no I haven’t eaten lutefisk, this is uncomfortable and you sound stupid.
24. What trajectory are you hoping to push yourself onto? Where do you want to head?
An apartment with all hardwood floors so I can stop having to vacuum every day with a really big tub to take drunk baths in. And maybe a view. But mostly the tub.
25. What is your most bizarre talent?
I have nailed all of Ariana’s riffs in "Tattooed Heart." And also I can tap dance. So that’s neat.
26. Is there a documentary or book that really changed the way you thought about something?
There was one on Netflix called Fetishes that made me realize no matter how weird I am there are people way weirder than me. I don’t pay a professional dominatrix thousands of dollars to dress me up like a porcelain doll and treat me like a child. I may be eating shredded cheese out of the bag right now but I’m clearly not at rock bottom yet.
27. What are three albums (soundtracks or compilations don’t count) that really define you or have shaped you as a person?
Pretty much any Beatles album, the She & Him Christmas album, and Greatest Hits by Celine Dion. You know, so I can brush up my "Taking Chances" for round two.
28. Who was someone you really looked up to when you were little — someone you considered to be a mentor?
I really looked up to the two mice in The Rescuers and you know what, I totally still do. What a healthy, functional relationship. Bernard and Bianca were the real deal y'all. We should all take note.
29. What’s your favorite cheesy pick-up line? Have you ever used it for real?
“Nice shoes, wanna fuck?”
You start with a compliment and get straight to the point.
And yeah, I’m a girl. I can pretty much say or do anything and still come across as cute and endearing while I bat my eyelashes over my beer. I know, I know. I’m a shame to my gender. Whatever, you’re just jealous of my super smoothness.
30. Who is a character from a TV show or a book that you’ve always resonated with?
Dr. Christina Yang on Grey’s Anatomy. Things could’ve been so different if I hadn’t fucked around in Chemistry with that Bunsen burner.
(And honorary Number Thirty One-derful (I’m dumb)…)
Yep. Still dumb.
31. Can I get you another drink?
Only if you bring shots for both of us.