A straight man's take on every Girls character.

(L-R) Delusional, sociopathic,  the worst, meerkat on adderall.

(L-R) Delusional, sociopathic,  the worst, meerkat on adderall.

Right now, my Scary Sunday nights consist of me plowing through True Detective, Girls, and Shameless, in the order they come on my HBO Go and Comcast iPad apps, which I most definitely do not pay for. You can say what you want about me because I watch Girls. I won't get offended. I've heard it all. The fact of the matter is, if I wasn't spending 25 minutes every Sunday watching it, I'd probably be watching something that has a lot less social relevance, or Frasier reruns that I've seen a thousand fucking times. So take a big step off your high horse and let's have some fuckin' fun. (Plus, I gotta have a little somethin'-somethin' for my female demo. Not every post can consist of being a hot bro and drinking Gamechangers on golf courses.)

Any normal person can tell you that every single character on this show is a sociopath in their own respect. The baseline requirement for someone to be my friend is that they require a sense of conscious, which seriously none of these people have, except for maybe Charlie who is just kind of a prick but still seems to understand what's going on around him. But, because I also completely lack any and all conscience, I may have a clouded view of Charlie purely because I got him in the "Which Girls character are you?" BuzzFeed quiz. I was really pushing for Laird, but hey, can't win 'em all.

Hannah — I actually saved Hannah for last because I have her the least figured out, which is probably music to Lena Dunham's bloodied q-tip ears. She's polarizing. She's a sociopath, but it feels like she knows she's a sociopath and just uses that label to get her out of emotionally straining situations, which just leaves her having a nervous breakdown because she's essentially doing the hipster version of "serenity now" with her whole "you are good and fine" shit.

Marnie — Does anyone ACTUALLY feel bad for Marnie? No. Did she give us my favorite scene in Girls history? Yes. Would I hook up with Marnie? No. Would I hook up with Allison Williams? Yes.

Jessa — I get the sense that the general public believes that Hannah is the biggest sociopath on Girls. And I think the general public is 100% fucking wrong because it's obviously Jessa, who also qualifies as one of the worst people in the history of television. I'm at the point where I don't even think Lena Dunham really wants her on the set because seemingly every scene she's in these days is separate from all the other girls. When Hannah and Elijah do coke together, it's fun to watch (Season 2: "Let's be the most sexual non-sexual people in this club!"). But, When Jessa does coke with the old business dude, it's just kind of gross where you figure one of them will probably die but the world wouldn't really notice. And that's just sad.

Shoshanna — Shosh is a meerkat on adderall, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Do I want to be the guy talking to her when she's buzzed at a party? No no no, a hundred times "no." But I can take her in small doses, like when she takes up less then five minutes of a 25 minute TV show. And when she gets drunk at a beach house and tells everyone off. And when she bangs bellhops. Plus, I think that deep down, I have some type of gravitation to Jewish girls. I can't explain it but it definitely exists.

Adam — Every guy knows this guy but sincerely wishes that they didn't actually know him. Because, well, he sucks. He's the guy that dates a girl you know, and that girl forces you go to hang out with him even though there's this awkward overlying feeling that no one actually wants to hang out with each other. Then, when they finally break up, everyone can finally and openly admit that this guy was, indeed, a fucking weirdo. The only difference between the guy I just described and Adam is that Adam doesn't actually want to be accepted by anyone. He's about as OP as they get. He has a fucking flip phone, for Christ's sake.

Ray — The world of Girls is like Ray's own personal Truman Show. Brooklyn is this constructed reality around Ray that's just there to piss him off. When he flies off the handle, it's 100% justified because everyone around him is batshit. Hopefully he never hooks up with either Shoshanna or Marnie again, but he will. And hopefully he'll get the hell out of Brooklyn and move to Seattle, because we can all agree that he'd be a lot happier there. And hopefully he and I can hang out some day, because I feel like he'd be really fun to stand in the corner with while ripping on people at parties.

Elijah — I don't like anyone that verbally states their knee-jerk reactions to your appearance to your face. Therefore, I do not like Elijah.

Charlie — Am I the only one who thinks Charlie is a little homo-suspicious? He's reserved in the way that you feel like he's hiding something. His build-in ridden apartment is a little too put together. He wears really tight shirts. I'm not saying Charlie is gay, but I'm not saying he'd stop Ryan Gosling from making out with him.

Laird — I like Laird. I like his beanie. I like his POM-stocked fridge. I like that he's heady AF. I like that he ain't afraid of no Hannah. I like that he looks like the bartender at my local brewery. So yes, Laird can be on my team.

Through this therapeutic stream of consciousness, I've now realized that I sincerely hate everyone on Girls except Ray and Laird. But when it's all said and done, I'm still going to watch the final three episodes of this season in addition to every season after that. I'm way too balls deep in Girls at this point to not know how everything pans out. Pun completely intended.