Now we takin' dates to weddings. While I still have yet to really go all-in on The Wedding Season Diet, these applications calmed my mind when it came to the date portion of my Wedding Scaries. I was once asked, "Would you rather be a fat dude with a smoking hot wife, or a really in-shape dude with a fat wife?" The answer is fat dude/hot wife, because the only reason I maintain my endo/ecto frame is for the opposite sex.
If it came down to making that decision, the following girls fit the mold.
Are you above an 8?
All respondents reported to be above an 8 because the Sunday Scaries readership is comprised of 50% total babes and 50% hot bros.
Favorite Wedding Song
"Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye. Weddings get me some kind of way."
"It's a toss up between At Last because if I get misty it makes me seem *sEnSiTiVe* and Yeah by Usher. Yeah is hysterical because it seems to be every white person's go to to "get down". Plus I can do the entire Ludacris rap."
"Mustang Sally - I am an attention whore so this one is a no brainer. Makes everyone stop looking at the bride and groom and start looking at me. Red hair? Check. Killer dance moves? DUH."
"Shout, but only when it's played at the right time, otherwise it's shit."
Best Answer: "Runaround Sue."
Analysis: Not only is "Runaround Sue" on the Land of 1,000 Dances playlist, but calling a girl a "Runaround Sue" as opposed a "slut" is a pro shaming move. That's the type of jargon that gets you in with dads and grandpas.
What are your expected travel fees and necessities that I'll have to cover?
"I've got frequent flyer miles for days so basically just a steady flow of gin and tonics ($500+?)"
"1. Drink budget: Between $100 and $250 depending on length of stay and how fun this wedding is going to be. If there's an open bar and this is like a buddy's wedding where everyone is just going to be commenting on how funny I am you can low ball it. If this is your cousin who you really don't get along with and I'm going to have to pretend to be your serious girlfriend to get Aunt Nancy off your back about why you haven't settled down I'm going to need a couple bottles of Bombay to myself to get through it. 2. To and from the airport and all around - Probably like $50 in gas? I don't drive so that's all on you son especially since I know I'm not going to have my trusty Uber to fall back on. And that's it. What can I say? I'm a cheap date. Plus I'm a big girl with frequent flyer miles and a job/ *cue Miss Independent playing in the background*"
"Transportation via plane, train, or automobile to/from Chicago (my place of residence); endless amounts of whiskey."
"Spray tan - as a pale ginger I have to emit a casual glow like I've been hanging out on a boat for 5 days. Must have level: 10. Flights: you can pay, but I am also A List Preferred Southwest. So yeah, Im good. Must have level: I can prob pay, so like 5? Robe: Cannot stress this enough, need to be living the robe live twenty four seven three sixty five. #RobeLyfe or get out. Must have level: 6. Chicken tenders: when I'm drunk I need fuel. Also gonna need ranch dressing and barbecue sauce. Must have level: 20."
Best Answer: "Um, I'm a grown woman, I can pay for my own expenses, thanks."
Analysis: This is how you know a girl is after you for your personality and not your Beanie Baby money.
Do you have attire to match a Lilly Pulitzer tie?
"Depends on the color - I personally don't wear Lilly because it's way too busy for my taste, but I've got lots of dresses in solid colors. So I'm sure matching wont be a problem. And I don't bother to wear anything that is more complicated to get off then unzipping. Who has the time for that?"
"I'm going to be honest I Google'd this and went 'Dear god' and shielded my eyes because that's a whole lot of color going on. But you give me a color scheme and I can make it work. I clean up well. And that depends on how much Bombay Sapphire I have in me. One drink - I'm going to be delicate and hang everything up to prevent wrinkles. 6 drinks - I've convinced everyone to go swimming in the country club's fountain."
"Wearing an actual Lilly dress to match a Lilly tie is a little on the basic side, but I have a plethora of JCrew cocktail dresses to class out any wedding event thrown at me."
Best Answer: "DUH. But not an actual Lilly Pulitzer dress because that's for nice girls. I've been to a million weddings and tbh I've rocked them all, wardrobe and all."
Analysis: Bad Boys need Bad Girls, and evidently "Bad Girls" don't wear actual Lilly Pulitzer dresses. #BadGirlLife
What's our backstory that we'll inevitably have to tell the bride and groom?
"You saved my life in a harrowing scuba diving accident."
"You don't think the fact that we met because you were essentially making fun of one of my pieces I wrote for another website is adorable? Well you're wrong. Trust me, it'll make the bride cry. I'm great with emotional women and it's going make the fact that they met while they were both mid-blackout at a frat party look pathetic."
Editor's Note: Ya think this was Kendra, or...?
"The true American love story: met on Twitter sharing our hatred of responsibility and needing solidarity on Sunday. Or if all else fails, we tell everyone we were both extras on D2: The Mighty Ducks who reconnected years later because a. that movie is the shit and b. I picture you being the Gordon Bombay to my Michele Mackay (just had to look that up on IMDB)."
Best Answer: "We met backstage at a Kid Rock concert."
Analysis: ...and we fell in love when he sang "Picture" before he invited me on-stage to help him sing the intro to "Cowboy."
What will you do while I'm partaking in the wedding golf outings?
"Day drink and befriend strangers."
"I'm terrible at golf and I'll admit it. Top Golf the other day was a huge fail except not because I was drinking mimosas at 9am on a Thursday #ridethewave. But I'll settle for riding in the cart and day drinking with y'all on the front 9 and then prob getting a mani/pedi."
"Teach your aunts how to play kings cup and bond with your mom."
"Am I not invited to golf? I love to golf. But I always enjoy a spa day..I'm not a dependent girl - I'm completely capable of entertaining myself. You do your thing and I'll do mine."
Best Answer: "Drink by the pool, day spa, etc. This isn't hard."
Analysis: The addition of "This isn't hard." flashes just the right of attitude that it's sexy. And besides, if a girl asked me this very same question I'd answer, "Drink by the pool, steam shower. etc. This isn't hard."
What's your X-Factor?
"Quoting Ferris Bueller's Day Off and bringing karaoke houses down."
"My sense of humor - clearly anyone that talks about sexting, dick pics, and blowjobs as much as I do is pretty hysterical. Also, I'm pretty independent - I won't need you to stay by my side the whole time."
"I'll charm the shit out of your family, friends, ex-girlfriends, etc because I'm easy to talk and I'm a damn good time. No need to babysit when you're tryna schmooze."
"Just like those shitty Bud Light ads, I'm truly up for anything. Last summer, some girlfriends and I crashed a Mexican wedding wearing old bridesmaids dresses and cowboy boots after day drinking for eight hours straight at a country music festival. No one in attendance spoke a lick of English, yet somehow we didn't get kicked out. I still have the bride's garter (not sure how I attained it in the first place)."
Best Answer: "Red. Hair."
Analysis: Things Sunday Scaries loves — barefoot golf, lobster dinners, tan redheads. Game over.
All respondents reported that they indeed "would."
Respondents requested a 50/50 split of Encrusted Walleye and Beef Medallions, because anyone that orders chicken at a wedding is a peasant.