The other night I was straight crushin' She's All That on TV after a solid steak dinner. After I got over the fact that Laney Boggs is a still a smokestack 15 years later (and still is), motherfucking Taylor Vaughan came on the screen and completely shamed the female species with every line she said (see for yourself). Just every canned word that came out of her mouth was reminiscent of something that every stereotypical, vanilla girl says (or said in 1999, whatever). My wheels started turnin' and my gears started grindin'. I came up with definitive list of annoying shit Taylor Vaughan-esque girls say.
"I can't." Beyonce comes on the screen? "I can't." Their friend gets engaged? "I can't." A puppy walks by? "I can't." A piece of kale falls on the ground? "I can't." Let's be honest here -- you can. You just can.
"I mean, I think she's pretty." You can't bullshit a bullshitter, toots. Your friend is ugly and we both know it. "I mean" is like saying "pues" in Spanish. You're stalling because you know your friend is JACKED UP.
"I die." If you say this, you deserve to.
"I already ate." I don't want to be a dick, but no, you didn't. I'm not asking you to carbo-load right now. I'm asking you to order a salad and have a normal conversation with friends. (On a side note: I once heard a girl say this and immediately get called out by her friend, "No, you didn't. I've been with you all day." Speechless. Meanwhile, ya boy's restaurant order was legendary: a bowl of frosted flakes and a gin & tonic.)
"Covet." I just did some Pinterest recon to see what type of shit pops up when you search "covet." Guess what? There's about 15 million results of engagement rings, fabrics, paleo-gluten-free-vegan bullshit, and the kicker - a pug with ballerina wings. Like, do you really covet that pug with ballerina wings, or do you just think it's cute? If that thing took a shit on your paisley pashmina scarf, would you "covet" it? No, you'd ask me to clean it up. Find a different word that isn't supersaturated by sorority girls and mom-bloggers that have email addresses like "firstname.lastname@example.org" and shit. Fuck it, here you go - desire, yearn for, crave, have one's heart set on, want, wish for, long for, hanker after/for, hunger after/for, thirst for. Was that so hard?
"I love sports." Real talk: no you don't. Straight up. You like thinking you like sports so you can impress whatever guys are in the room with how "cool" you are. Sorry, babe, but we see right through you. Don't walk into my fucking living room with a pink Yankees hat on and tell me your favorite player is Derek fuckin' Jeter and that your dad has season tickets. I don't play that shit. And the harder you try, the more I'm just going to think you're a psycho for being a try-hard know-it-all. Just crush a solid vintage shirt, don't ask "how much time is left?", and celebrate at the right time. If you can manage that, it'll be smooth sailing.
"How much do you THINK I weigh?" I mean, you can ask me that but just know going into it that my answer is going to be 110 lbs whether you're Nicole Richie or you're Fat Amy from Pitch Perfect. This ain't my first rodeo and it certainly ain't gonna be my last.
"I don't drink beer." The caloric difference between a glass of wine, a beer, and a vodka is completely negligible. It's like when people complain about the price of fucking gas. If it goes up 5 cents and you fill up your 16-gallon tank, you're only out a whole 80 fucking cents. Peanuts. Chump change. Bitching about liquor calories and gas prices makes you sound fat and poor. It's unbecoming.
You think Beyonce says this shit to Hova? No. Do you think he'd put up with her saying it? Absolutely not, so I won't either. Roc Nation, what up. Let's change the world together.