Vodka Samm: Scaries Personified
This past weekend, I saw a whole slew of people on twitter asking what Scaries are. Well, ask and you shall receive.
For those of you who don’t know the Vodka Samm story, here’s a synopsis.
Goudie, Samantha Lynne, 22 of Iowa City, IA for Public Intox at Kinnick Stadium at 1321 hours. Goudie was stopped for trying to enter the field. Goudie was unsteady on her feet. Goudie blew .341 PBT.
Samm was just straight DOIN’ SAMM. Correct me if I’m wrong but 1321 hours is 1:21pm, yeah? Vodka Samm just tailgating her face off. Probably face palming haters left and right. Some of her tweets following were simply perfect.
Just went to jail #yolo
I’m going to get .341 tattooed on me because its so epic
Girl waiting for court with me goes “I wish I knew the girl who blew a .341” I said hi
Go Hawks motherfuckers
Ive gotten so many hate tweets because I was drunk…uh I get good grades sorry for being like every other college student
In the words of the immortal Kid Rock, Vodka Samm is “long hair swinging, middle fingers in the air.” Blatantly just not giving a fuck just hours after her incident. .341 ain’t no thang to Vodka Samm.
Until the Scaries set in. Start video.
0:00 - Dog Shot. Classic way to start a pity party. Just ISO cam a dog and you win the viewers heart.
0:01 - “Monday night was the first news broadcast I had heard on it so that was pretty devastating.” Scaries Galore. But, hey babe, be glad it didn’t come on Sunday night. That’s when shit would have gotten real. All you had to deal with was the Monday Blahs and you were well on your way to salvation.
0:15 - W-w-w-w-wait. Did someone say “endorsement offers” and “interview requests”? First of all, who the fuck would want her as the face of their franchise? Gatorade? Midol? Xanax? Second of all, if I had been in Vodka Samm’s shoes, I’m takin’ these interview requests STAT. When I’m Scared out of my skull, the only thing I want to do is talk to people so I can somehow train myself to think everything is okay by verbally justifying how many vodka drinks I free-based over the weekend.
0:26 - “I could have easily just taken this opportunity and ran with it and been Vodka Samm my entire life.” Big ups to the Poli-Sci department at UI for having even their most retarded students realize that taking the Snooki route ain’t the way to go. But, that being said, UI may want to advise their students to not have “vodka” in their twitter handle and not wear as much eye make-up as Snookie as well.
0:38 - “In the moment, I was tweeting from jail because my friends follow me on twitter.” Ahhh, okay, Samm. You know, we were all wondering why you’d tweet from jail but because ‘your friends are on twitter’ completely justifies it. Oh wait - no it doesn’t. No one hashtags ‘YOLO’ when they are trying to communicate to their friends that they need help. If anything, hashtagging ‘YOLO’ signals to your friends that you’re having an absolute fuckin’ blast without them and they should be FOMO’ing their faces off. Alright, enough abbreviations for this feature. Next.
0:50 - …and the depression piece begins. Enter Scaries.
0:58 - Reporter going on the road to meet up with Vodka Samm’s family? Game changer. This broad officially means business. Phone interview? Bush league. Google Hangout? Amateur Hour. E-mailing? Go fuck yourself. She’s going DIRECTLY to Burlington, Iowa whether you like it or not.
1:14 - Enter Eating Disorder. Honestly, kind of a shitty move on the part of this take-no-prisoners journalist. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not really into the whole “I feel bad for people who get arrested with a BAC of .341 and then shamelessly flaunt the fact that I got arrested publicly.” Bringing an eating disorder into this story is just downright dirty.
1:21 - Vodka Samm’s mom… woof. Legit feel bad for Vodka Samm’s dad though. 100% having a stripper daughter with alcohol problems and an eating disorder after God reads this piece.
1:34 - Foot tattoo. Not saying that Vodka Samm may put out, but you don’t get foot tattoos unless you’re puttin’ the fuck out.
1:39 - Mark my words - if I EVER hook up with a chick who has “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step” stickered on her wall, I will never hook up with another girl again because I will have undoubtedly contracted some type of STD on that god-forsaken night.
1:56 - “Samantha graduates in May and plans to attend graduate school for social work to help those with disabilities and other challenges.” Vodka Samm helping fellow Scared people? Sign me up. Honestly, a one-on-one with her would help my Scaries incredibly. I’d walk away from that conversation purely thinking, “Huh, at least I’m not her,” and be on cloud nine.
2:04 - Vodka Samm’s Brother - sick Hollister shirt, chief. Keep killin’ the game.
2:13 - “I wanna be… like, happy.” Scary Train… ALL ABOARD. Legitimately say that to myself post-bender all the time.
"Do you see a light at the end of the tunnel?"
"Yeah, some days I don’t, but there is one."
Those “some days” are Sundays post-benders and that “one” light is Wednesday when your body starts feeling normal again after the weekend devastation has been cleaned up.
Well, Vodka Samm, all we can say here at Sunday Scaries is that we see you. We see you.