We’ve all been thinking it so let’s just say it aloud: ya boy is a fuckin’ tastemaker.
Cue the haters. "What are you even TALKING about? You’re just some guy that blogs about Sunday Scaries. What do you know about fashion?"
Uh, what do I know about fashion? Right now I’m wearing flannel-lined Chubbies, a white long-sleeve t-shirt from my uncle’s farm, and a Carhartt hat (that wasn’t a collaboration with APC because I set the trend, didn’t follow it, it’s whatever). How does that crow taste, twerps? I’ve been endorsed for “fashion” on LinkedIn not just once, but TWICE. You just got some high fashion shoved in your fuckin’ FACE.
Fashion is about being progressive. I’ve got made crazy ideas up in my dome piece. Ideas, you ask?
- Kanye West x Patagonia leather snowpants.
- Brooks Brothers x Public School harem golf pants.
- Rob Kardashian x George HW Bush socks.
Chock full of ‘em. Endless.
But, another part of being high-fashion-as-fuck is being able to forecast future trends. So get your pencil and paper out, my people, because I’m about to learn you somethin’ about the next big thing. Let’s go on a journey.
A couple years ago, Rob Gronkowski of the New England Patriots started crushing Zubaz, which he now sells on his website, Gronk Nation. Since there ain’t no party like a Gronk Party (because a Gronk Party don’t stop), Zubaz caught on like wildfire for the first time since the early 1990s. Before you knew it, Marky Mark and The Rock were rockin’ these bad mamma-jammas in Pain N Gain, while meatheads everywhere fucking swooned over this shit. “Those are fuckin’ awesome” was the meathead version of the sorority girl’s “I can’t.”
Meanwhile, across the nation in San Francisco, dudes started showing thigh like they were full-time lifeguards at the Malibu Sands Beach Club working for Mr. Corosi. What up, Kelly Kapowski? You’re still all over my radar. Happy belated 40th birthday.
Thigh is the new black, and we have Chubbies and Patagonia to thank for this. Last summer, I had a leg tan line that was rated NC-17. And did it look good? You bet your ass, it did. (What? did you think I wasn’t going to rep how hot I looked all summer?)
I would describe myself as, “Relentless. Loyal. Aspiring. Firm. Sincere. Self-centered. Stubborn.” Capricorn, motherfuckers. Up in your grill-piece — all day, every day. This means I recently celebrated birthday, kickin’ it with my bros. My sister, being the saint that she is, sent me a gift that she must’ve ordered from heaven:
Pit Viper Sunglasses, that “Demand Respect & Authority,” as their mantra states. These mondo shades are a throwback to the early ’90s Oakley Blades, which should have never even gone out of style in the first place. I wore these statement pieces on the ski hill recently and they made waves across the entire resort. “You see that hot-ass bro rocking Pit Vipers?” was heard from afar. The front office paged me on the hill and said, “To the bro slaying Pit Vipers, keep being perfect. Verbal Hashtag: #NeverChange.”
Are we seeing a trend here, all you aspiring New School-ers? Alright, let me spell it out for you — the early 1990s are alive and kickin’ because people in their 20s run the world.
"What’s next, o holy one? Lead us to the high-fashion promise lands!"
I hear your calls, people, and I’m here to deliver. The next trend in men’s fashion is upon us. Hold onto yo’ butts NYFW, because your world is about to get turned upside-fuckin’-down.
BOOM, AC SLATER JEANS.
"AHHHH MY FACE IS SO MELTED WHAT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW! YOU’RE SO RIGHT, HOW DIDN’T I FIGURE THIS OUT ON MY OWN? IT’S SO OBVIOUS!!!1~"
I can hear Anna Wintour now — “The waist isn’t tight enough, the hips aren’t flared enough, the ankle elastic is too loose, and it needs more acid washing. Now get out my face and let me drink my cucumber water in peace with my herd of miniature zebras.”
Let’s be honest, the dudes from Saved By The Bell took down the hottest chicks at Bayside. Did they do it with looks? No. Did they do it with personality? Nah. Did they do it with high-waisted stone-washed pleated jeans? Fuckin’ A Right, they did.
2014/15 is the year of the men’s high-waisted stone-washed pleated jeans, and I don’t care who knows it, because I’m a selfless person who wants everyone to flourish personally and professionally. Line sheets and purchase orders are going to be bursting at the seams with this shit.
From Manhattan to the depths of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, fashionistas and fashionistos alike are kicking themselves in the dick because some dude from Michigan just trendset the fuck out of the next 365 days. For anyone to say I’m even remotely wrong about this should be excuted in the town square for all to see.
My persuasive logos is through the roof right now. I’m credible about this shit, because LinkedIn told me so.
In the immortal words of Aubrey Graham, you can thank me later.