I recently read the questions, at what age does a man:
- Realize he can’t drink like he used to?
- Realize he can’t eat like he used to?
- Realize he is more attracted to younger women than older?
- Realize an athlete he has long hated is an all-time great and begins to respect the hell out of him?
Well, this feels awful. Even though I’m still in my mid-20s, I still feel old as fuck and not far along enough in life, as single people in their mid-20s often feel (the word “single” felt depressing there. I like to consider myself Clooney’ing so spare me your pity). Now life hits me with these four detrimental questions and shit officially gets real.
- At what age does a man realize he can’t drink like he used to? Physically, I still feel like I’m peaking. If I’m on, I can eat beers with the best of ‘em. But, drinking isn’t always about the journey. It’s about the destination. And that destination is Scaries Central Station where I first arrived at the tender age of 24 after I peed on my boss. But we aren’t here to discuss that. That was the first time I realized that even though I can drink forever, I shouldn’t. The Scaries are just too real and I simply can’t drink like I used to.
- At what age does a man realize he can’t eat like he used to? 19, when I came home from college and put on a SOLID 20 lbs from eating pizza subs, late-night Bagel and Deli, and all-you-can-eat stir-fry. I got so out-of-shape that I suffered a hernia while dancing at a Kappa Kappa Gamma formal and had to get excused from my “individual exercise” class until I had surgery. This is the first time I’ve confronted that the hernia was probably from preexisting conditions and not my on-point, killer dancing. But fear not ladies — this was similar to the "Fat Schmidt" storyline of New Girl and now I’m a hard 10.
- At what age does a man realize he is more attracted to younger women than older? Boom, 25. Easy. The second Tinder came out, I found myself scoffing at girls my own age and I legitimately thought I was still in college for a while. If a 24-28 year old came up, I was left-swiping my face off while shouting, “WOOF!" Then I remembered how old I was. Then I remembered that the 21-23 year old demographic probably wasn’t feelin’ a dude nearing his late twenties. Then I felt pervy. Then I started trying to justify everything with the "half your age plus ten" rule which still put girls at 23 for me. Fuck. I’m deleting Tinder right now. Can we move on?
- At what age does a man realize an athlete he has long hated is an all-time great and begins to respect the hell out of him? I was 20 when LeBron James completely killed the Pistons in 2OT in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals when he scored his team’s final 25 points and 29 of its final 30. This was fuckin’ brutal for a ton of reasons. First, I was supposed to be at that game but my ticket was given to my pre-teen girl cousin because she cried all night because she wasn’t allowed to go to the game. Being the chivalrous motherfucker that I am, I gave my ticket up (alright, alright. I was told my ticket was being given away and almost threw a fit myself, but that’s neither here nor there). Secondly, that was the third loss in a row (which would become four in a row) and it effectively became the beginning-of-the-end for the Pistons reign of the 2000s. Finally, this pretty much propelled Lebron to greatness which no one truly wanted.
All in all, I’m walking away from writing this having the emotional equivalent of a “Fat Day.” If you’re looking for me, I’m sitting at the end of a dock somewhere screaming, “WHYYYYYYYYY” and feeding some ducks while listening to "Old Man" by Neil Young.