It’s Sunday. Brunch is over. You’re sitting on your couch bathing in your own filth. You’ve got the Sunday Stinks. You know that in about two hours the Scaries are going to start creeping. Some way, some how, you need to combat them. You gotta turn on that tv and get after some Apple TV or Netflix STAT. This isn’t a casual, “I think I’ll watch a movie.” This is, “Someone put on a goddamn movie before I freak the fuck out.”
Everyone’s got their own hungover movie preferences. Me? I’m rockin’ a little comedy/action mixture with a heavy side of chick-flick. “Oh man, you’re so lame, who likes the movie Elizabethtown?” Fuck off, bro. I don’t rain on your parade when you’re hungover and Scared so get off my jock.
This Means War
When you put Reese Witherspoon and Tom Hardy together, big thangs are gonna happen. The movie has it all. Action, comedy, romance, and the best scene ever filmed - The Paintball Scene.The first time I watched this movie, probably hit rewind about six times to watch that scene again. Gut laughs galore. Fucking lost it every time. Just too good and silly.
IMDB describes this film as, “Two top CIA operatives wage an epic battle against one another after they discover they are dating the same woman.” Uh, sign me up ten times outta ten.
Next to Dumb & Dumber, hands down the funniest and most underrated movie ever created. Fire line after fire line. I once watched this movie on mute and laughed at every single one-liner. Why was the movie on mute, you ask? I was making breakfast sandwiches and bromosas while listening to Lyle Lovett. Sue me.
"Did someone call 9-1-holy shit!"
"Gator’s bitches better be using jimmies!"
"I’m like a peacock, you gotta let me fly!"
"Ay, ay, ay! If I wanna hear you talk, I’ll shove my arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet!"
"Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’? Aim for the bushes. [The Rock and Samuel L. jump off the roof of 20 story building]”
"This meal is terrible… it tastes like roasted dog asshole. I asked myself, ‘Who would slow roast a dog’s asshole and feed it to me?’ You would."
"Shake your dicks, this pissing contest is over!"
"How you fellas doin’? We about to have us a little screw party in this red Prius over here if you wanna join us."
Honestly, could probably recite the whole movie. Laughs on top of laughs on top of laughs.
If you can’t get rid of some Scaries by watching a heist put on by the likes of Clooney, Pitt, and Damon, then you’re straight trippin’, son because that shit it awesome. Yeah yeah yeah, you didn’t like Ocean’s 12. You’re so cool. Fuck off. 80% of Ocean’s 12 was sweet. Get off your high horse. Also, TBS / TNT / USA / Whatever-The-Hell-Station-Falls-Into-This-Category plays one of these pretty much every Sunday well-knowing that it’s a surefire way to get some viewers. Works every time.
Warrior followed by Elizabethtown
Just a solid 1-2 punch from Netflix on this one. My birthday is the day after New Years aka National Scaries Day. I mean, face it, you’re boozin’ on New Year’s Day. You have an awkward wake-up from the night before’s blackout, you crush a little unused champagne from the night before, and you get back at it. Shit, last year we were at a ski resort to the day consisted of watching the Georgia-Michigan game and drinking Fireball shots chased by Dark & Stormies. I woke up on January 2nd covered in Mac ‘n’ Cheese and buffalo sauce with one of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had. All my friends were leaving, except one who was especially Scared as well. What did we do? We picked ourselves up by our bootstraps, went to my house, made a shit ton of guacamole, and watched Tom Hardy fight against his brother in a UFC Championship Match before watching Orlando Bloom fall in love with that cute little elf Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtown, Kentucky. A little homo-suspicious? Maybe. But it wasn’t. It was a Scary Killer who took no prisoners. Death By Scaries was imminent without it.
YUP. Thank you very much, Netflix for allowing me to crush my Scaries with the friendships of New Girl. Jess? Cute, quirky, sometimes annoying. Winston? Bizarre yet likeable, black yet white. Nick? Honestly, he’s a really Scared dude. His life is less together than ours is. He would probably frequent SundayScaries.tumblr.com, if he knew how to use a computer. And Schmidt? Electric. Best television character since Ari Gold. Hilarious on all fronts. The best thing about the show is that there’s legitimately like 40+ episodes on Netflix so you can just get balls deep into the seasons and kiss your Scaries goodbye.