Rhetorical Analysis: Sunday Night Blues - The Dread of Workers Everywhere

The Wall Street Journal is officially trying to get on the Scaries bandwagon with their piece Sunday Night Blues - The Dread of Workers Everywhere. And honestly, I may have to let them know that the bandwagon is officially full. Thanks but no thanks, guys. You obviously aren’t fully grasping the Sunday Night Blues on the level that they actually exist. Let me explain (WSJ text in italics).

A global poll conducted by Monster.com reveals that only 22% of respondents do not experience back-to-work “Sunday Night Blues” on a regular basis while nearly half of respondents (47%) go so far as to classify their Sunday evening anxiety as “really bad” and distressing enough to make them desire a new job.

Yeah, I’ve had “really bad” Scaries before but WSJ/Monster.com needs to take this one step further to “such monumental Scaries that I thought I was going to die.” And sure, work on Monday does add somewhat to the anxiety, but let’s be honest with ourselves, the sake-bombs and Red Bull-Vodkas from Saturday night ain’t exactly lifting anyone’s spirits.

"I don’t think anyone is happy to see their weekend come to a close," said Mary Ellen Slayter, Career Advice Expert for Monster.com. "Monday mornings are notoriously stressful. Catching up on emails, planning the upcoming week, tackling new assignments—all while thinking, ‘I have another five solid days of work before my next day off.’ It’s understandably daunting."

Happy to see my weekend come to a close? Really couldn’t be more upset every Sunday when the hangover wears off and real life sets in.

My Monday mornings are notoriously stressful but not because of e-mails, the upcoming week, and new assignments. They’re stressful because I’m still shaking and sweating out the well-whiskey that I drank at last call at a college bar that I’m 6 years too old for.

Continued Ms. Slayter, “if you want to reduce stress on Sunday nights, you need to improve your Monday mornings — and that means taking action on Friday afternoons. Don’t run for the door the moment your clock strikes five. Instead, spend a few minutes preparing for next week: review and prioritize your calendar, assemble materials you expect to be using, and tie up every loose end you can. Be mindful of where you pause ongoing projects—often it’s wise to simply finish a task you’re already immersed in, rather than attempting to pick up the pieces and resume progress after two days off. If you’ve worked hard to improve your Monday mornings but still experience intense Sunday Night Blues, it might be time to consider bigger changes in your professional life.”

Honestly, Ms. Slayter, go fuck yourself. First of all, I’m not “running out the door when the clock strikes five” - I’m SPRINTING. I’m livin’ the fuckin’ dream at 5:01, just 2Pac walking to my car. Spending a few minutes preparing for the upcoming week? Yeah, in your dreams. I’m like the dog from the Beggin’ Bacon dog commercial, except instead of chanting “bacon”, I’m chanting “Happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour.”

Monster.com, the worldwide leader in successfully connecting people to job opportunities and flagship brand of Monster Worldwide, Inc. (NYSE: MWW) asked visitors to their site the question, “Are your ‘Sunday Night Blues’ bad enough to make you want a new job?” and received over 3,600 responses.

Let me answer “Are your ‘Sunday Night Blues’ bad enough to make you want a new job?” They’re bad enough to make me want a new life. They’re bad enough that every Sunday I consider throwing my phone off a bridge and move to work as a concierge at a Bahamian Hilton where beer flows like wine and beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. They’re bad enough that I get balls deep into chick flicks so I can get emotional and know what its like to feel again. Life As We Know It starring Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel could be considered one of my favorite movies purely because it once allowed me to escape the Scaries for 2 hours and I’ll always be thankful for that.

International findings included:

  • 47% of respondents consider their Sunday Night Blues “really bad”

  • 18% of respondents consider their Sunday Night Blues “bad”

  • 13% of respondents consider their Sunday Night Blues “slightly bad”

  • 22% of respondents report not having Sunday Night Blues at all

Breaking down the numbers by region, workers from the US (59%) report the highest level of “really bad” Sunday Night Blues while France claims the lowest, at only 20%. Germany reports the fewest occurrences of Sunday Night Blues with one third (33%) of respondents stating that they never experience them, whereas only 19% Monster US users enjoy stress-free Sunday evenings.

Mad respect to the 47% of people out there who were man enough to admit their lives fucking suck on Sundays. And a big “fuck you” to the people who don’t feel any Blues at all. Those are the types of people who run when others are tailgating and say, “must be nice” when you leave the office at 5:01 on Fridays. Just fuck off.

The least surprising fact is that Germans get the least amount of Scaries. I’ve always pictured Germans as emotional rocks who are one step above machines when it comes to decision making.

And finally, not to discount people with Scaries, but is a Monster.com poll really the most legitimate place to get unbiased feedback? Yeah, lets poll a bunch of people who are looking for jobs and see if they’re unhappy with the current state of their lives. Great call, guys.