Rhetorical Analysis: Got a Case of the Mondays? Blame the Sunday Blues.

Again, the Wall Street Journal trying to suck the Scaries teat with Got a Case of the Mondays? Blame the Sunday Blues. As before, the WSJ text is in italics.

Welcome to Monday morning at the office. Did you have trouble sleeping last night? Was your stomach bothering you? Did you feel a sense of dread about heading into work?

Trouble sleeping? Yeah. Between sweating and having work nightmares, I guess you could say I had a little trouble sleeping. Stomach bothering me? I pooped about 50 times yesterday and each one made me question whether or not I went to Buffalo Wild Wings the night before. Sense of dread heading into work? Yeah but not just heading into work. Pretty much doing anything and everything from the moment I woke up Sunday morning with pizza heartburn and a vodka-infused headache.

Could be that you have a case of the Sunday blues – and you’re not the only one. A recent survey by jobs website Monster.com found that 8 out of 10 people report melancholy and anxious feelings as the weekend winds down. Nearly half of the 3,600 respondents went so far as to say they have it “really bad.”

All the in-depth analysis of this study here. Disclaimer: the person who did the study is fucking clueless.

“Really bad” is hardly a clinical diagnosis, but Sunday blues are real, says Jeffrey Kahn, a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College who specializes in workplace issues. He’s noticed that some workers tend to sleep poorly on Sunday night, feeling wired as they rev up for the week or rehearsing the next day’s agenda in their heads.

Ha, yeah, Jeff. That’s it. I’m just “revved up” and rehearsing my impending work week. Oh wait, no, I’m not. I’m asking myself why I made out with that ugly girl on the casino dance floor and how I managed to spend $200 on well drinks before getting kicked out of the bar for being a bad patron.

“It’s part real — they’re going back to the office — and part symbolic,” he says. The dawn of a fresh week reminds people of the bigger issues lurking under the surface amid weekend brunches, sporting events and parties.

You’re goddamn right that it’s real, Jeff. So real. But, what is on point about this part, is the description of the weekend - “weekend brunches, sporting events and parties.” Fucking nailed it. Solid weekend trifecta if I’ve ever seen one.

Employees worry about a harsh boss or a big project coming due. But some of the worst anxiety is actually sparked by “things that might go well,” Kahn says. Workers on the brink of a promotion might fear the extra work that will come along with it or that their colleagues will become envious. Or employees about to wrap a big project might worry they won’t be able to repeat the feat.

Aaaaaaaaaaand I officially hate you. Sparked by things that might go well? Hell no, Jeff. Actually, fuck you, Jeff. This is so wrong. My Sunday Scaries are hands down, 100% marred by all the things in my life that may go wrong. Car troubles? Maturity issues? Money? All the above, homeboy. All Scaring the living shit out of me.

Promotions and envious co-workers are best case scenario at this point. One time I didn’t go out on a Saturday and when I walked into work on Monday I felt like fuckin’ Beyonce.

Sunday evening anxiety isn’t all bad, Kahn notes–some people channel their anxious feelings into intense effort, working harder to banish their nerves.

I channel mine into marathon-watching shitty television shows and trying to find someone with a Xanax prescription. So actually, yeah, I am channeling my feelings into intense effort to banish my nerves.

Joanie Ruge, a staffing industry veteran who’s now a senior vice president at Monster, recommends workers take extra time on Friday to prep for Monday morning and fully disconnect during the weekends so they feel fully refreshed once the week begins. She also suggests workers set early bedtimes on Sunday nights and wake extra-early on Monday so they’re not stressed or harried as they make their way to work.

Covered this before. I’ll save you the click-through and we can just rock this out once more.

Honestly, Ms. Slayter, go fuck yourself. First of all, I’m not “running out the door when the clock strikes five” - I’m SPRINTING. I’m livin’ the fuckin’ dream at 5:01, just 2Pac walking to my car. Spending a few minutes preparing for the upcoming week? Yeah, in your dreams. I’m like the dog from the Beggin’ Bacon dog commercial, except instead of chanting “bacon”, I’m chanting “Happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour, happy hour.”

Kahn says meditation, exercise or social events like dinner with family can help to ease Sunday stress. Activities that provide comfort or distraction can be helpful – think, a favorite television show or a warm drink.

Meditation, exercise, or family dinner? Can’t meditate because my thoughts are screaming. Can’t excercise because my body is completely devastated and my blood is half beer. Family dinner? Yeah, so they can sit around and judge me all night. Sounds real healthy.

“For some people, a cup of hot chocolate works wonders,” he says.

Speechless. Fucking speechless.

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