Post-Labor Day Scaries

Uh, yeah, they’re still here.

These are real texts from real people, all of which acquired a MONSTROUS case of the Scaries after raging their faces off over the long weekend. And this isn’t like one or two people. This is a diverse group where some don’t even know others.

"Raging Scaries. Raging."

"OMG. Worst Scaries of my life."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand enter Scaries."

"Nothing is Scarier than having Scaries over an 8 hour car ride."

"All I do is Scaries."

"Don’t worry about it - the Scaries made you do it."

"I just got Scaries over your Scaries."

"How is ______ doing? Kid had to have had some serious Sunday Scaries, dude."

"My dad just told my sister that I was ‘in bad shape’ Saturday night. I thought I was getting better but that just multiplied my Scaries by a million."

"Do you ever get these weird Scaries at night where it’s like this feeling of impending doom? Like there’s someone else in the room with you?"

Two weeks ago after a music and beer festival, I fell off a boat with my phone in my pocket and haven’t had a phone since. Heady as fuck? Yeah, it is. My only communication is through using iMessage on my iPad. My iPad has been a Scaries Hub since Sunday morning.

Hook up with someone twice your age this weekend? Or maybe you zombie’d a dancefloor? How about spent $300 at a cash only bar where the most expensive drink is like $6? Maybe you cut your wrist open on a broken glass and had to have your mom drive you to the hospital at 2:30am. You may or may not have passed out in a limo after 16 Redbull-Vodkas. I know for a fact that someone got punched in the face for weighing someone else’s girlfriend’s boob. Shit, perhaps it’s all of the above. Welcome to Labor Day fuckin’ Weekend. If it makes you feel any better, I cut my ankle on a surfboard when I fell down a flight of stairs at 4:30 in the morning.

It’s Wednesday and people are still not feeling right. I mean, even I woke up every two hours last night sweating and wondering who the hell was watching me sleep. I had a dream that a girl I went out with this past weekend fell off a cliff. But, per usual, tomorrow is going to come and I’m going to think, “oh man, feelin’ back to normal. Finally.” Then Friday is going to come and I’m probably going to slang back about 30 Miller Lites thinking that my Scaries could never possibly be as bad as they were last weekend. Incorrect assumption? Oh, most definitely. Every set of Scaries is worse than the last. But fuck it. If you’re not pushing the envelope then you’re just coasting through life like the person who wrote Wikihow’s “How To Get Over The Sunday Blues,” which was featured here.

Keep your head up, guys. Labor Day 2013 is just a mere blip on the radar. And at least you’re not Vodka Samm.

Will deFriesHangoversComment