Part IV: The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved


Part four of one man’s account of the most Scared he’s ever been, and how he found himself there. Loosely based on Hunter S. Thompson’s classic The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved, but really not based on it at all.

Part I / Part II / Part III

"I was hiding from the sun once again
I was running from the time my friend
I’ve lost another war.”

I laid there in bed, trying to sleep, for what seemed like hours.

"With a brand new start, I swore I’d love from the heart
I meant to change my ways
But I’ve seen better days than the one’s that’s here this mornin’.”

After getting the rundown of how Dave was unjustly arrested for “looking drunk”, I selfishly sought some sort of relief that I was me and not him.

We had lunch at a pizza place where I literally felt nothing. I was a shell of myself, as was the entire KDHQ team. Just six people sitting at a table, shaking, on the verge of tears.

We had to drive back to Cincinnati that day to drop Dave off at his place and drop myself off at the airport.

"I hope this doesn’t affect my job," Dave remarked in the midst of a double-handed-face-wipe. That shit was real.

When I got to the airport, I had to smell like a bottle of Beam. I got to my gate and fell down into my seat next to two token Derby bros who were surfing their iPads and trying to piece their lives together. What they had that I didn’t was the solidarity of their friendship, while I was alone asking myself why the FUCK I scheduled a flight rather than just drive home with my friends.

"I take it you went to Derby?" I asked Bro.

"Yeah. Fuck."

"Me too, bro. Me too."

"So, I poured another strong one and chopped a line from here to Texas
Cause I’ve lost another good one - she’s on the midnight train to Memphis.”

We boarded the plane where I drank a bourbon-soda in my bulkhead seat. That legroom did things for me that I can’t explain. Wouldn’t have traded that shit for the world. The stewardess handed me a Sports Illustrated and said, “Looks like you might need this.” While part of me was offended that she was confronting the trainwreck that was myself at that point, another part of me considered her to be an Angel From Montgomery - she gave me one thing that I could hold onto.

I shut my eyes and confronted the demons and Scaries that lingered from the completed bender.

"With an old suitcase, I swear I’ll leave this place
I’ll get you back in time
Can’t drink you off my mind. So, I’ll see you when I’m sober.
I been looking for some reasons, but I ain’t found one down in Texas.”

I got off the plane at Chicago O’Hare, which is hands down the worst airport in the history of airports. It’s run by a bunch of mongos who don’t know how to re-stock toilet paper or allow flights to take off on time.

"I won’t switch won’t quit my vices
Flip the script cause I’m gonna slice the righteous
Haven’t you heard I don’t refrain
Free as a bird and so I won’t change.”

I headed to the Fox Sports bar where I saw a two-person table with the exact person I needed to see - Derby Bro.

"Mind if I sit down?" I said.

"Please do."

And there we sat. Emotionlessly sitting in our own filth in silence. Just two bros being Scared together drinking 22 oz. $9.00 airport Bud Lights. I never got his name, and that’s probably for the better. I was him and he was me and that’s all that mattered. We murdered that weekend and earned the hangovers and Scaries that had overcome our bodies.

"Livin’ it up, givin’ it up, fuckin’ shit up
I’m gonna run my track from the D to Nantucket
So fuck it - If you don’t dig that, you can suck it.”