Sometimes when you’re hungover, you just gotta get bougie as fuck. You have to pull out your wallet and spend a little extra coin to keep the Scaries at bay. If I had it my way, my hangovers would look exactly like the "I Need A Girl Pt. 2" video by P. Diddy ft. Ginuwine, Loon, and Mario Winans. Unfortunately, my bankroll ain’t that of a mogul (yet) so I have to be selective about my luxuries.
The only reason I actually own a pair of Persols is because of Matthew McConaughey in Failure to Launch. He’s just a rich, hot bro who crushes aquatic life and wears overly-expensive shades. Lives with this parents? Who cares when you’re cruising at 20 knots and your name is Tripp?
I can’t remember the last time I had lobster and I wasn’t just brutally hungover. Lobster is for celebratory times. Birthdays, New Year’s, Labor Day, 4th of July, casual white-people lobster bakes, or what have you. Well, there’s only one time during all of those events when I’m not hungover - the day before those events actually occur. But honestly, if there’s one way to cure a hangover, it’s eating shellfish at $14.99/lb while slurping down a couple gin and tonics out of a highball.
Whether you’re at a cocktail party or crushing some mid-morning bromosas, going on a champagne campaign never hurt a damn person (that is the falsest thing I’ve ever said but I simply can’t delete that sentence because that sentence is awesome). My two favorite buzzes are off champagne and sake, respectively. You’re just alert, not full on beers, and normally in a pretty bougie-non-Scary situation when consuming.
Someone recently looked at my Instagram account and said, “You love grass.” Well yeah, I fuckin’ love grass. It’s the shit to lay down on when you’re struggling, it smells awesome, and games played on grass are the bomb.com. Toss the pigskin? Yup. Getting a little croquet in? Yeah, sign me up. Beer-in-hand soccer? Don’t mind if I do. Lawn games are second only to aquatic games.
Plus, there are only about 3 places where you can drink and time doesn’t matter - airports, golf courses, and swimming pools. If that ain’t a bougie tripod of awesome, then I don’t know which way is up anymore.
Overly-Expensive Body Lotion
When ya boy is hungover, you best believe that he’s putting on some expensive body lotion so he can at least smell fresh to death despite feeling like he just got form tackled by Ray Lewis. Give me Acqua di Parma scented lotion or give me death.
We all know that I have a man-crush on Matthew McConaughey. And if you know anything about Matthew McConaughey, you know that he crushed his performance as a sports better in Two For The Money. When you bet on a game, it gives you something a little more next-level to root for than just sporting competition. It gives you incentive. It makes you a fan of Texas football when you legit can’t even name their starting quarterback. It allows you to win money off horses that you’ve never heard of. It is, simply put, TFB (the fuckin’ best). And hell, if you win a little coin while you’re at it, it helps your Scaries greatly.
My friends and I jokingly hashtag #Porchlife and say, “What happens on the porch, stays on the porch.” The sad thing is, I’m not actually joking when I do this despite how douchie both phrases are. I just have a large-and-in-charge infatuation for porches and everything they stand for. Grillin’, tannin’, chillin’ the most. If you can’t get on board with that, then I don’t want you on my team.
Will never fully come to grip with the fact that people think that BLTs are better than Club Sandwiches. IT’S A BLT WITH MORE MEAT ON IT, PEOPLE. WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE. When I’m hungover and golfing, all I want is a Club motherfuckin’ Sandwich.
No matter how to draw it up, hangovers suck. That’s why you need to surround yourself with awesome things that make the hangovers suck less.
TREAT YO SELF.