A new feature on Sunday Scaries will feature men who, simply put, do not get Scaries. They’re mental giants. They crush anxiety and emerge better from it. Today, we begin with our first inductee into the Non-Scary Hall of Fame - Coach Eric Taylor.
I will challenge anyone in the world to find me a man of stronger character than Coach Eric Taylor of Friday Night Lights fame. Staight up - you aren’t doing it.
He’s a dedicated family man. He’s the top high school football coach in the top high school football state. He’s a proud Texan. He speaks in either concise less-is-more statements or awesome fucking monologues that make your emotions cum.
Take his QB1 away due to injury? Fine, he’ll groom another. Take his coaching job away and hand him East Dillon? No biggie. They’ll win State. Give his daughter a phenomenal set of yabbos? He’ll intimidate the fuck out of anyone who walks through his front door.
He likes Chili’s and domestic beer.
His best friend is Buddy, who is probably the chillest fuckin’ dude on the planet next to Jimmy Buffett (who, let’s be honest, will probably be featured in a future Better Men Than Us).
Remember when Lyla drove a car through Buddy’s dealership? Boom, Buddy Scaries. Remember when Lyla cheated on her crippled boyfriend? Whabam, Lyla Scaries. Remember when Riggins said, “How about Saracen sleeping with the coach’s daughter?” Boomslam. Scaries. How about the time Saracen wore a Member’s Only jacket on a date with Julie? Kablow, Saracen Scaries. When Jason Street tried to kill himself by jumping off a boat in Mexico? Street Scaries. Oh, wait, what about that time Landry fucking KILLED SOMEONE. LANCE SCARIES.
Coach Taylor don’t play that shit. He calculates. He brainstorms solutions. He crushes situation after situation after situation. You get in his face? He’ll back you against a fuckin’ wall. You throw him a curve ball? He fake bunts and then knocks one outta the park.
He fucking CREATED “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” And at the end of the day, isn’t that all that matters?
So this weekend, in tribute to Eric, I’m asking you to give your significant other a huge smooch on the lips, head down to your local Chili’s establishment, order yourself a domestic coldie, tip that shit back, and say, “By golly, this is exactly what Coach Taylor would want me to be doing with my weekend.”
And then, when those Sunday Scaries begin to bite you right in your ass, go back to Friday Night Lights episode 1. Fast forward past the scene where Street tried to put down that pussy-ass block. Then listen to Him say:
"Give all of us gathered here tonight the strength to remember that life is so very fragile. We are all vulnerable, and we will all, at some point in our lives… fall. We will all fall. We must carry this in our hearts… that what we have is special. That it can be taken from us, and when it is taken from us, we will be tested. We will be tested to our very souls. We will now all be tested. It is these times, it is this pain, that allows us to look inside ourselves."
I mean, yeah. He could be talking about his paraplegic quarterback, but I’d prefer to think he’s talking about Scaries.