Better Men Than Us: Arnold Palmer

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A feature on Sunday Scaries that will feature men who, simply put, do not get Scaries. They’re mental giants. They crush anxiety and emerge better from it. They are truly better men than us.

Dude created a goddamn juice served in a tallboy can. His nickname is The King. He served in the United States Coast Guard. And, most importantly, he is considered one of the greatest gentleman and golfer’s of all-time.

I mean, we can discuss the four Masters, one US Open, two British Opens, and three PGA Championships he’s won. That’s kiddy shit when it comes to Arnold Palmer. I wanna get into the thick of this dude’s existence.

Arnold has been a pilot for over 50-motherfucking years. I haven’t liked anything in life for more than like 50 minutes let alone 50 years. Not sure if any of ya’ll have seen the movie Flight starring Denzel Washington ("I DRANK THE VODKA") but flying plains ain’t for people with Scaries issues. And lezbehonest, Denzel had some serious Scaries issues to deal with. Meanwhile, Arnold? Cool as a cucumber just landing Cessnas, grabbing his clubs out the back, and shooting a 67 at Bay Hill. No big deal, guys. Hell, maybe he’ll even land it in Arnold Palmer Regional Airport located in Latrobe, Pennyslvania. People aren’t just naming airports after every dumbshit out there - you have to get it. Thankfully for the world, Arnie most definitely does.

You wanna chat about his Congressional Medal of Freedom? Or maybe his Congressional Golf Medal? You’re not receiving that hardware unless you are certified Awesome. You have to be in the echelon of Charlton Heston, Bob Hope, Frank Sinatra, Henry Ford II, Nelson Mandela, First Ladies, U.S. Cabinet Members, Supreme Court Justices, Presidents, Vice Presidents, and Astronauts (ASTRONAUTS!!!!). You have to do shit with your life other than get on TMZ and own a club. You have to crush everyday situations with the situational awareness of a fucking puma. You have to have control over every aspect of your life. Arnie has just that.

Finally, allow me to introduce you to a fella I like to call Chi Chi Rodriguez who said:

People on tour used to complain that Arnold Palmer got preferential treatment. I’d ask them, ‘Do you want preferential treatment, too? Then start treating everyone the way Arnold Palmer does.’ When I came on tour in 1960, he was the man who came up and offered his friendship. He treated me with great respect. He’s old school like that. He treats everyone with respect. And, man, I loved the way he played the game. Some guys went for the pin some of the time, but Arnold always went for the pin. Still does. Man, you could put the pin thousands of feet below sea level on the deck of the Titanic and Arnold would scramble to find a scuba suit and get diving. He’ll always go for it.”

Hell yeah, Chi Chi. Preach, bro. Crush Scaries, fly planes, get medals, treat people awesome, and get after pins. THAT’S WHAT ARNOLD PALMER DOES.

So next time someone tells you, “Oh, I don’t go to that Scaries site. Dude is a mental midget,” please make them aware that I learned you some shit today. Tell them that you get less Scaries because you learned about a dude who doesn’t even know what Scaries are because he’s so mentally strong. This ain’t no middle-of-the-mall info. This is hard research coming straight at your dome-piece about one of the coolest and most gentlemanly bros on the planet.

Will deFriesBros, SportsComment