For the most part I think I have bros figured out. They want carbs, sex, and for everyone to just STFU when the game (doesn’t matter what kind just “the game” is enough) is on. Guys are pretty simple; sometimes so simple that it’s annoying. But really once you figure those three things out taking care of a boy is easier than most things.
That being said there are a ton of things I just can’t wrap my brain around when it comes to guys. At least once a day one of my guy friends says something that either makes me face palm myself or his stupid mug. And that’s on a good day.
There’s a reason Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is such a universally recognized and purchased title. We have a NEED to try and figure dudes out; getting to the bottom of a guy is like crack to us. It makes our skin crawl and our little feminine hearts racing when we’re staring a text just trying to decipher what the hell it actually means. I am for the most part a chill girl and I find myself in that exact predicament more times than I like. I’ll admit it – guys are confusing as fuck.
So here you go. I’ve compiled a list of questions for Mr. Read Receipts to answer to the best of his bro-tastic ability. This will be an interesting little thing for Team Scaries because I’ll be seeing his answers at the same time as you guys. And I’ll absolutely be on the edge of my seat until I get the Twitter notification that it’s up. TRUST.
Kendra: Why are dudes always messing with their balls? Do they really get in the way that much?
Sunday Scaries: It's not a conscious "oh, I'm going to put my hand on my balls." It's a natural motion that we have no control over. You know how women complain about how guys will never know what it's like to have their period or be pregnant? Well on the flipside of that, girls will never know how motherfucking good it feels to watch tv with your hand firmly planted on your balls. It's more comforting than the lead vest at the dentist.
Kendra: Is “crazy” really that big of a thing or is it just a word you label a girl to describe a not-so-great breakup or rejection you didn’t understand?
Sunday Scaries: I was recently talking to my Lion Whisperer and she aside, "Every girl is bonkers in one way or another." I don't care if this girl loses her shit on you in the middle of a cocktail party or she just keeps her apartment neurotically clean. Crazy is as crazy does.
Kendra: Okay, so what makes a girl crazy?
Sunday Scaries: Everything. Text us too much? Crazy. Text us too little? Crazy. You're super-relaxed and even-keel? Behind your back we're saying, "I bet she's got some skeletons in her closet." But as Hunter Hayes says, "I want crazy." If you're not bringing some type of wild card aspect to the table, we're just going to get bored. After all, I've gone on the record saying I like redheads who are notoriously known for being the craziest of hair colors.
Kendra: And why then, when a girl has been deemed bat shit crazy, do you still keep her around?
Sunday Scaries: She falls into one of two categories, and often even both.
- She's hot.
- She's so crazy that trying to force her out is more hassle than what it's worth. We're not trying to get a bucket of paint thrown on our car or our clothes burned in a barrel fire.
When it's all said and done, crazy girls don't stick around very long so some other guy will eventually have his turn and relieve us of the burden.
Kendra: What the fuck are you doing when you’re ignoring us?
Sunday Scaries: Texting our friends about how baller we are for ignoring you. Without divulging too much, my friend Cheekbones and I refer to this as "purg," which is short for "purgatory." When you put a girl in purgatory, you're officially the most powerful man in the world. When you finally take the next step to text said girl back therefore putting yourself in purgatory? That's when you become a mental midget wondering, "why aren't they texting me back?" every five minutes, which I'm sure both sexes can identify with.
And if I text a girl back immediately, it's either because 1. I really like her and am comfortable enough to rapid fire or 2. I really don't like her and am just going through the motions until she gets tired of me.
Kendra: Boobs or butts?
Sunday Scaries: I was recently asked this question by a girl and immediately expressed that I truly don't have a preference. But upon further review, the answer isn't even a matter of opinion. The answer (the only answer) is butts.
If a girl has a mediocre set of boobs, that's something you can get over. She has no control over them and they are what they are. Small? Oh well. Too big for you? They ain't gettin' smaller. Boobs are boobs. Deal with 'em.
But when it comes to an ass, an ass is something to admire. A nice ass (while sometimes a gift from god) is often the product of a lot of gym time. It's the fruits of your labor. When a girl's a lower body disaster, it's just a travesty because with a little effort it could be so much more.
Kendra: Is “no homo” like… serious? Or are you just playing around? Are you really that worried about someone thinking you’re a tiny bit gay?
Sunday Scaries: No, "no homo" is not at all serious. And if someone in your group of friends is using it seriously, they're way too paranoid and suspicious of the sexual dynamic in your group of friends. The whole concept of "no homo" is a joke much like "that's what she said." In fact, I've even turned this around and joking used "all the homo in the world intended" in a potential "no homo" situation.
It's 2015. If you're concerned with sounding, looking, or being gay, then you need to get with the times and realize it doesn't matter.
Kendra: Do you really notice when girls put a ton of effort into getting ready and does it make any difference what-so-ever?
Sunday Scaries: Maybe it's the Kid Rock in me, but I'm pretty impartial. Do I appreciate the effort? Yeah, of course I do. I like getting fresh as much as the next person. But if we're grabbing drinks on a casual Tuesday and she's dressed to the nines? Just screams "high maintenance" which is a dealbreaker.
Just don't show up looking like Jessa from Girls. That's when it makes a fucking difference.
Kendra: How does one possibly think about nothing? What does that feel like?
Sunday Scaries: It's kind of like when you're texting-and-driving and all of the sudden you have the realization that you've been driving for 25 minutes without looking at the road and you have no idea where you are. The lights are on but no one's home.
Kendra: Do guys play games as much as girls or are we fooling ourselves into thinking you’re more complicated than you are?
Sunday Scaries: No, we most definitely play games as much as you do. When my friends and I are all collectively single, we have a bond over the games. Once everyone has a girl locked down, we lose that particular bond in our friendship and all of the sudden our texts lessen and our gchat is a little quieter.
But don't get me wrong, I'm well-aware that the games are stupid. My Lion Whisperer consistently tells me not to play games because they're immature, but just tossing out texts will-nilly is completely reckless because the apple of my eye is still playing games from her perspective. Not trying to look desperate over here.
Kendra: Monica, Rachel, or Phoebe?
Sunday Scaries: Marry Monica (cooks, cleans, hot), fuck Rachel (see: "when a girl is deemed bat shit crazy, why do you still keep her around?"), kill Phoebe.
Monica, who is gorgeous (especially in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective), somehow became became underrated in the shadow of Jennifer Aniston. But Phoebe? Phoebe just plain crazy. And not the type of crazy that you let hang around like Rachel. It's the type of crazy that makes you mouth "What. The. Fuck." to your friends when you walk away from her at a bar.