This isn't some chauvinistic rebuttal to Michelle Yeung's 10 Annoying Things That Guys Do. This is me voicing my defense of my brethren, the male species. Day in and day out, Thought Catalog portrays us as ignorant pigs who don't know up from down. Sunday Scaries don't play that.
As always, original article in italics.
1. If you heard us the first time, please just give us a signal. Any sign of acknowledgment would be nice. Even a grunt will do.
Sorry, babe, what was that? I was watching the Seahawks-Redskins highlights for the 4th time today. All ears now though. Whassup wit da whassup?
The notion that "not listening" is a male-exclusive trait is preposterous. Can't even count the number of times that I've been ignored by a girl because she's on her phone shopping Goop or Googling "does soda water have calories". We live in a society where everyone's best friend is their iPhone 6. Gotta learn how to thrive as second fiddle.
2. The classic “She’s mad, so she definitely must be on her period” logic. We’re probably not on our periods, and now you’ve pissed us off even more.
What women need to understand is that periods are the best Get Out Of Jail Free Cards that the world has. I mean, EARTH TO EVERY GIRL EVER: periods are your OUT. I don't care if it's that time of the month or not - if you're rocking a bitchy attitude and someone accuses you of being on your period, that's your trump card that you can play month after month.
Us guys? We can't be rude without immediately being labeled a "dick." Then we have to try for like 3 months to hear the words "You know, he's not so bad" come out of your mouth before we can shake our bad reputation.
For girls, the beauty of this is that it doesn't even matter if you're on your period. If you put out a on-my-period vibe, no guy is going to question it. Seriously, what guy is going to be like, "Wait, weren't you on it like a week ago?" No guys keep track and we're all WAY too scared of you to even say something like that. That's a death wish. It's time to drop the me-against-the-world mentality and embrace this.
3. Complaining that we take too long in the bathroom. There. Is. A. Fucking. Line.
If. None. Of. You. Took. That. Long. Then. There. Wouldn't. Be. A. Fucking. Line.
4. Mocking our love for Taylor Swift. We listen to her because you don’t listen to us. (Granted, this one is subjective.)
Not sure what you're talking about here. All Taylor does is produce bangers and she's a 10 to boot. The dude you're in disagreement with is clearly #TeamKaty.
5. Making an unnecessary comment about the size of our handbag, then proceeding to ask us to put their jackets or any miscellaneous objects in it. We aren’t going to carry your stuff if you disrespect the carrier.
The only reason I'm making a comment about the size of your handbag is to put out the vibe that it's massive so I can exploit its size later. I'm trying to plant that seed in your head so when I ask you to carry my phone/wallet/pullover later, you can't use the excuse that you don't have room. If I establish that your handbag is monstrous from the jump, we're immediately on the same page and there's no going back from that. I'd be a fool if I told you that your bag was "appropriately sized" and then asked you to carry my fucking coat 10 minutes later. Would just be setting myself up for disaster. This isn't my first rodeo, and in a world where my shorts keep getting shorter and iPhones keep getting bigger, I gotta grasp at every straw that I can.
6. Asking us to penetrate a group of girls (whom we don’t even know) just so they can get their numbers/hook up. Um, if you think it’s awkward for you to randomly introduce yourself, why would you think it’s any less weird for us to do so?
Listen - if you speak on my behalf to said group of girls, that's like getting a letter of recommendation from The fucking Pope. You don't see me blindly walking into Fortune 500 companies being all "SUP?!" expecting to get the job. I first exploit any type of connection I may or may not have with a higher-up because I'm not a fucking idiot.
This is the exact same situation. You're my female liaison - own it.
7. The infamous “If we buy you a drink then you owe us a hookup” attitude. We’re still going to drink this free beverage and slowly make a subtle getaway. You should know that by now.
Yo Michelle, maybe we're buying you a drink because it's easier than waiting for your 5-foot frame to sift through the crowd / part the Red Sea, only to ask the bartender if they have Skinny Girl (which they don't), and then have you review the cocktail menu for 15 minutes. I'm doing you a favor for the sake of efficiency.
And besides, I'm not so naive that I think you're going to hook up with me because I bought you a $4 voddy-soda. I'm going to hook up with you because I'm a fucking catch with a phenomenal personality, deep brown eyes, and luxurious hair.
8. Comparing a kick to the balls as equivalent to giving birth. Really? Did a hole in your body just stretch to the tearing point so a human could be propelled through it? We don’t think so.
Jesus, Michelle. I'm writing this as I eat a bowl of Special K and you've completely ruined it for me. Pardon me while I shovel the rest down my disposal while dry-heaving. "Tearing point," really? Fucking hell. That's lockerroom talk.
9. Categorizing a sport as “girl sport” just because a large number of females participate in it.
I mean - and call me crazy if I'm wrong - but if a sport is primarily played by girls, can't we deduce that it's appropriate to call this a "girl" sport? I don't see a ton of guys flocking to play field hockey or participate in dressage competitions.
By your logic, would we not categorize a bathroom as a "men's room" because it's used primarily by men? If Vagisil didn't use the clarifier of "feminine" before "itch product", I could appropriately assume that it's okay to apply it to my balls on a hot summer day. And we BOTH know that's not a good idea.
10. Taking a “sip” of our drink. A sip is fine if it’s really just a SIP. You just gulped half of it and no, having a bigger jaw does not excuse your shitty definition of a sip.
Just a shot in the dark here but maybe the dudes taking these massive sips are the same dudes that bought you the drink before realizing you weren't going to hook up with them so they're trying to recoup their losses before you make your "subtle getaway."
Sorry, Michelle. Players gonna play, play, play, play, play.